Pair Me! Series
by Bob Rhynoplasty
Summary: AlexMunch, OliviaHuang, ElliotOlivia, CragenPetrovsky, all your favorite characters hooking up in this humorous series. There has to be a story for everybody!
1. Pair Me! AlexMunch

**Pair Me**

**Main Summary: **"Pair Me" is a series of one shots. One, maybe two chapters a piece. They are different stories involving different pairings among the people on SVU, including Brian, Monique, and Alex. Possibly some Abbie, since she was on the show. There's going to be about, sigh, 50 different stories, all rolled into one big one. So, enjoy!

**Warning: **Some stories are slash pairings, both male and female since I'm limited on people. I won't just make a bunch of hetero fics but at the same time, I won't just make a bunch of slash. Feel free to skip over stories you find offensive.

**Disclaimer: **Dick Wolf and everyone involved at NBC and all that crap, yeah, they own the people, I own the stories. And anyone tries to steal them from me, not even Elliot and Olivia would be able to A.)Trace it back to me, and B.)Find your body. Careful, I'm Italian. This should be under warning shouldn't it?

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**Pair Me: Munch/Alex**

Summary: Alex was horny, Munch was there, not her first choice, but was it a good one?

Disclaimer: In Alex's POV, doesn't sound ANYTHING like her.

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This job sucks. And sucks. And, oh yeah, SUCKS! Do you know how hard it is to date when you spend your time with a bunch of perverts? And all I do is prosecute them! You have no idea how horny I am right now! I need to get laid. I haven't had sex since, oh, I became the SVU ADA. Sigh, this job sucks. 

Elliot's cute, scratch that, Elliot's fucking hot! Gorgeous even, on a good day, with those blue eyes, and that body, and am I the only one who noticed he always has his sleeves rolled up to right below his elbow? That's always bothered me, but I don't mind getting a sight of that tattoo, I've always loved tattoos. But alas, Elliot is married. Damn bitch. Why is she so special? Just because she's beautiful, sweet, kind and he knocked her up four times, what does she have that I don't?

His children.

Oh right. Ah well, there are other fish in the sea. I really just said that didn't I? Dear Barbara I'm turning into my mother! Sob.

Hard case. A one month old baby girl was found floating in a cooler in the East River. Apparently, she had an incurable genetic disease, Tasacs. She would have died a horrible awful, painful death before she was five. So her mother decided to murder her premature. I won, but I'm not so sure if I should have. I have no idea what I would have done if Sarah had been my daughter. Quite frankly, I don't want to think about that.

"Nice work Councelor," John said as I'm leaving the courthouse.

"She didn't deserve twenty-five." I say, a bit upset. Ok I lied, really upset.

"Jury thought so."

"Because I turned her into a whore." I say turning to face him. Munch in probably the oldest in the unit, and I think he retired once, or something, which would explain why he's so old, but mouth looks like it cuts his thin head entirely in two. He said something else, but I wasn't really listening. I was too busy thinking about the separate parts of his head. Like the Canadians on South Park.

Damn, he stopped talking. Well, I know we were talking about Andrea Brown. Ah! I know. "What if it had been your daughter," that should work. He's quiet for a moment.

"Whatever I could." He starts to walk away. I don't know if its because I'm upset or still super horny but I call after him to stop.

"Wanna buy me a drink?" I say, only partially flirtatiously. He smiles widely, of course I don't know if there's any other way for him to smile. Get over it Cabot! This may be your chance to get laid! Cringe. I never thought I'd be so desperate I'd fuck an old guy. _It's either Munch or Huang,_ Munch it is.

He takes me to our bar. It's the bar we all go to after a case is done. Kind of like a congratulatory alcohol binge. Its really a lot of fun. Really. We sit in the back booth and order a pitcher. I figure I should be really drunk before I do this.

By now, we've been drinking for about an hour. And yet I'm still a bit on the sober side. I'm a heavy drinker, and in total between the two of us we've had four glasses. But I'm getting the hornier by the second. Screw the wrinkles, and screw me!

"So, what do you like to do after a case?" I ask casually.

"Get drunk then walk around my apartment stark naked." I blink. Is he being serious? I can't tell. I can actually picture him doing that. And that's the scary part. "What about you?"

I take a big swig of my beer, its disgusting. I hate beer! "Turn on porn and masterbate till I can't move for hours." John chokes on his beer. I laugh. I think he's actually blushing. Call the newspapers! I made John Munch blush!

"Are you serious?" he asked, taken aback. I smile seductively.

"Only because I can't ever find anyone to actually fuck." This time he chokes on...well I don't know what he's choking on. Either his tongue, his saliva, or possibly, air. I lean back, totally getting into this. "Did you ever notice that since you started working here, your sex life had been...lacking?" I say the last part after a long pause searching for the right word.

"My sex life has been lacking since my first divorce."

"Didn't you divorce like three times?"

"Yeah around there." Damn, maybe I'm making a mistake. _Two years Alex,_ Nevermind! Alright, enough stalling! I lean closer, lift my foot and put it between Munch's legs, and start playing around. He gets a bit uncomfortable.

"Look John, I'm only going to say this once. I'm horny, I want to have sex, and I want you to fuck me." He sits in shock for a second, but I feel him getting hard underneath my foot. Oh, I'm good. "Like, now?" I didn't have to say anything else. He jumped out of the table, grabbed my hand, left a couple of bucks for a tab in one swift move. I think he's been celibate longer than I have. He hails a cab, which comes pretty quickly. We dive in, and wait forty-five long minutes to get home. People are honking all around us. This is New York, you haven't realized there are a lot of traffic jams? Finally we make it to my apartment building.

I'm the first to run up, but John is close behind me. For an old guy, he moves pretty quickly. Finally we're outside my door. I can't take it anymore. I grab him, push him into the wall and start to passionately kiss him. Surprisingly he's a really good kisser. I pull my keys out of my purse-still kissing him mind you!-and unlock my door. He grabs me by my shoulders and pushes me inside. Ooh aggressive! I jump up and wrap my legs around his waist. He stumbles only a little. I smile, he outright laughs.

"Sorry," I say.

"Bedroom." Well he's eager. We keep kissing.

"Left," he turns. We take a total of five steps into the hall. "Right," and bedroom! He kicks down the door. Police are so sexy! He walked over to the bed and we collapse ontop of it, his hands exploring my body. My hands are trying to open his shirt, but to no avail. Screw it! I rip it open. He jumps off.

"What?" I say, confused. "I'll buy you a new one."

"It's not that." Oh damn, he's getting serious again. "Maybe we shouldn't be doing this." NO NO NO! YOU CANNOT BACK DOWN NOW BITCH!

"Oh come on," I say surprisingly calm, despite how I feel. "How many times can you say you fucked a hot blond half your age." He contemplated the thought for a minute. I had made sure to emphasize _you_.

"Good point." And he's back, right now pants. You know it'd be easier if you took off my clothes. There they go! And his pants are down. And he is huge! God, his bony white ass has been holding out on us. That bastard! He lets go for a second. He's still wearing his glasses.

I frown.

"Take off your glasses." He does. Eek! "Put your glasses on." And now for sex. I reach into my nightstand and pull out a condom. I bet you're wandering "_why do you have condoms, you haven't been having sex,_" first of all, don't remind me! Second of all, every self respecting woman should always be prepared with a one hundred pack of condoms, of any size. I pull out an extra large. Oh I am so gonna have fun tonight. I flip over, and put the condom on with my teeth. What you want details to what happened next? Are you crazy? There's children in the room! But I will tell you, it was amazing.

"Harder! Harder! Fuck me! Fuck me harder!" I scream, and he pushes harder and harder. I wrap my legs around him again as an attempt to push all of it far in. "Oh my!" I yell, as I reach my fourth explosive orgasm. God, this old guy can really go for a hell of a long time. Finally he's finished. And he collapses on me. I need a cigarette. I open my night stand again and pull out a pack of Marlboro lights and a lighter. John laughs. I light my cigarette and take a long drag.

"What?"

"I didn't know you smoked."

"Only when I've gotten some." I hand him the cigarette and he takes an even longer drag than I did. He blows the smoke away from my face. How sweet.

"That was incredible." I say, mostly to myself rather than John.

"Why thank-you. I try." Always the smart ass. Its cute. I take another drag of the cigarette. I can taste his saliva on it. Normally that would gross me out, but for some reason, tonight it didn't bother me, whatsoever.

"So," I begin. "When's the next time you wanna buy me a drink?"

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A/N: _And completed with the first story in this series. I hope you liked it, and I just want to say, everything Alex said negatively about John, was strickly for comedic reasons. I want this to be funny. I didn't succeed? Damn. Ah well R&R all! _


	2. Pair Me! OliviaHuang

**Pair Me: Olivia/Huang**

Summary: Olivia and George stop for an afterwork drink, instead they find themselves in George's car enjoying an afterwork quickie

Disclaimer: Sounds nothing like Olivia. Strictly comedic purposes!

Olivia's POV:

I love my job. Ok, that's not entirely true, I love the PEOPLE in my job. I work with some of the nicest funniest, and craziest people ever. Lets see, there's John Munch, and according to some shrink, he can spot a conspiracy at a five year old's lemonade stand. The scary thing, he could. Then there's Fin, he's the tough guy. He knows all the street stuff. Then there's my partner, Elliot. He is probably the biggest prick in the office. He yells at everyone about anything. Sometimes I wander why I like him so much. Not like that, get your mind out of the gutter! He's like my brother. But god he's a pain in the ass. OK, I gotta stop talking about it or I'll just start ranting. (Who the hell does he think he is, yelling at me!) Oh, there's Cragen. He's the father of this little family, even though I think Munch is older than him. Casey is the newest member of the group. She's a good prosecutor, not the best, but not the worst. She wins her cases. Most of them. I don't really know much about her though, except she was once engaged to a guy with schizophrenia. That's rough.

Then there's Huang. He's a little cutie. Literally, he's like three feet tall!. Well, not three feet, but he's a tiny little guy. And he's just so cute! I like short guys. Maybe in a past life I married a midget. Maybe Huang was that midget! Unfortunately I think he's gay.

Freedom! Case is over! Nothing horrible. A teenage girl had consensual sex with a thirty-three year old. She's fourteen. Can you say gross? Now, I get to go on vacation. Finally! Me and Casey are heading down to Florida to go check out a single's cruise. Sounds like fun doesn't it? Yeah, we thought so too.

Huang walked in wearing the usual suit, in his usual stance. This guy really needs to learn how to slouch. Just once, I'd like to see him slouch. "Hey George," I said in a very friendly tone. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I was actually looking for you," this took me by surprise. What did I do?

"What I do?"

"Nothing, I just wanted to know if you want to go get a drink." I jerk my head back, and my eyes bug out of my head. I thought he was gay!

"Sure," I say standing up, completely towering over him. He smiles, holds out his arm for me to take, which I do, and we walk out of the precinct arm in arm. We get into his car- which is a lot nicer than I would have thought, it's a silver Lexus something. Hey I don't know cars!-and drive to the bar.

The ride isn't very loud, just random jabber about different cases. Apparently the idea of a fourteen year old sleeping with a thirty-three year old was gross to him too. I mean, its not sick, like some of our other cases, just gross. "Are you sure it was consensual?" he asked.

"We got there, in the middle of the act. She was on top of him." I answered, trying not to recall the images. Finally we made it to the bar. Huang was about to go inside before I stopped him. He turned around to give me a quizzical look.

"What's wrong?"

"Why were you looking for me?" that was bugging me.

"I didn't want to drink alone."

"No, you were specifically looking for me. Why?" He started blushing. Is that even possible? I have never known George to blush. EVER. He looked up, but instead of answering, he kissed me. I felt a million fireworks going off at once. This is what I've been dreaming of since he joined the team!

I grabbed his little body and cling close to him. He's so little. Ok, I need more than just a good kiss. I heaved him up off the ground, and carried him back to the car. I opened the back door and pushed him in. Then I ran around the other side and got in the driver's seat. I turned the ignition on, put the car in drive and belted out of my spot.

"Where are we going, your place?" George asked from the back seat. I scoffed.

"Yeah, that would take a good half hour to get to. I am not waiting that long." I pulled into the alley, turned the car off and leapt into the back seat. I really think I took the poor doctor by surprise.

"Wow," he said, while I'm ripping my shirt off, next that annoying suit. Would he care if I just shredded it? Too late. It's gone. He's not caring. Cool! I kissed him again, and pulled his pants down to his ankles, followed by his-get this!-pink briefs! Yeah, and this guy's not gay. He's still trying to figure out my pants. This guy doesn't get some much I'd wager. Screw it! I pull my pants down for him. Fuck foreplay, lets just get it on!

I pushed him inside me, and started thrusting my hips back and forth in a little rhythm. He closed his eyes, so I took that as an opportunity to kiss him again.

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Our breathing gets faster and rougher, my hips thrust faster into him. God it feels good! I'm gonna, I'm gonna I'm gonna!

He's done.

Well that was really anticlimactic. He pushed me off so he could pull his pants up. "You couldn't wait two more seconds could you?" I asked bitterly. I pulled my clothes back up. He blushed again. Yeah, not as cute Georgie!

Alright now I'm scared. He's smiling some freaky little smile. Like he's about to do something I know it! He scooted closer, and started running his hand up and down my leg. Ooh, and where do we think we're going with this. Oh there! He puts his hand down my pants and helps me reach my orgasm. Hallelujah he can finish the job he started! That wasn't so bad. Course it only took less than a minute.

He pulls his hand out again, when there's a knock on the window. George turns the ignition on, it's an automatic. He presses the little button, and standing outside is an ugly cop in the blue uniform. Well this is amusing, a cop and a Fed about to be hauled in for making it in a car in an alley. This should be fun explaining to Cragen. The guys will torture me! They'll never let me live it down!

Oh fuck.

"You can't park here." I blink. There's a long pause as we think of a good explanation.

"Don't worry sir," Huang finally says. "We were just leaving."


	3. Pair Me! FinPetrovsky

**Pair Me! Fin/Petrovsky**

Summary: Post "Venom." Fin's been served. He decides to see Judge Petrovsky and get out of it, but his methods of persuasion leave him in a a very scary situation.

Disclaimer: Don't own the characters, just the idea.

He held the packet of paper in his large hands. The front piece was a pretty blue sheet, the next was your average white sheet. But it indicated one thing: he was served to testify for the defense.

Damn Darius, he kept thinking. He was going to put him on the stand, and make him tell about all the police brutality claims against him. Why he was never with his family when he was working in narcotics, hell he didn't doubt he'd ask what size condom he wore.

So the kid was angry, but that justified killing a woman and her child, then taking the family down with him when he fell? he was the product of a rape, when his mother was young and stupid. She couldn't take care of the kid, not that she would want to. It was established, he was the product of a rape. She never came out and said it, but only an idiot couldn't figure that one out.

So now he stood. Outside Judge Petrovsky's "chambers," what everyone else would call an office, to try and convince her to throw out the subpoena. He happened to have dignity, he wanted to keep it.

Petrovsky wasn't about to fall for his usual tricks, he had to play this woman like a cheap violin. It was his only way to get out of this. She's a tough old broad so this might work, but he had to try.

A young brunette girl poked her head out of Petrovsky's office. She was very pretty, Fin couldn't resist checking her out. "Judge Petrovsky can see you now." He nodded to the girl, stood up and stepped into the office. Petrovsky was in her robes, sitting behind her desk, while she flipped through a stack of papers. She looked up when Fin cleared his throat.

"Thank-you Alicia, you may go," the brunette girl nodded and stepped out, shutting the door behind her. "What brings you here Detective Tutuola." She said very seriously. She was more boring that Huang sometimes, and Fin didn't think that was even possible.

"I got subpoenaed to testify for the defense." he said holding up the folded packet.

"Yes I see that, what's the problem?"

"I can't testify."

"And why not?"

"Conflict of interest."

"Excuse me?"

"It's my ex wife's son. He wants a day in court so he can expose all the family's secrets. I testify, my integrity as a cop goes down the toilet." Fin thought he made a perfectly reasonable argument. He only hoped the old hag got that.

"Well you should have thought about that before you did something to jeopardize your integrity." Damn, fine, you wanna play rough, he thought.

He sat down in the chair across from her. He leaned on the desk and smiled flirtatiously at her. "Come on, your honor," he pulled his hand up and started tracing the edge of the desk. "I'm sure you understand the problem. Isn't there, something I can do you?"

"Not a chance," damn, she had will power. No problem, he just had to step it up a bit. He got up and sat on the desk.

"Did I tell you, that is a very appealin' hair style on you." Petrovsky leaned back in her chair astonished.

"Are you flirting with me Detective?" Duh!

He grabbed her chin and tilted it up a bit. "I hope I'm not oversteppin' my boundaries." He smiled widely. Petrovsky pushed his hand away. She stood up in a huff. Fin backed up, in a very cocky manner. But still he smiled. He figured she'd fall for it eventually, or she'd just find a way to get him fired.

Maybe he should have thought this through before he acted on it.

Petrovsky made a noise halfway between a chuckle and a sigh. It could have meant either scenario. Then she grabbed Fin's shirt collar and pulled him into her and pressed her lips firmly on his. That meant only one scenario!

Though the plan worked, Fin wasn't exactly happy to have Petrovsky's wrinkly lips on his. She had also pulled him over the desk, so random knick knacks were jammed into his groin. Petrovsky pulled Fin all the way over the desk and on the side. Fin was sure the picture frame stabbed one of his testicles. He probably would have fallen to the floor had Petrovsky not shoved him into her chair. She got down on her knees in front of him and ripped off her robe. She started yanking at Fin's belt trying to get his pants off.

"Does daddy want to come out and play?" she asked before she succeeded in her mission. She yanked Fin's pants down, but since he was still sitting on them she didn't get very far, so she just tugged harder till Fin lifted his ass up so she could easily pull of his pants.

"Damn girl!" he yelled, but it was too late, her mouth was on him. Fin figured it had been a while since she'd done this. She was sucking just a tad too hard. Correction she was pulling at his crotch with her breath. Then, he guessed he was trying to be playful, so she bit down. Quite hard. Fin jerked up as he attempted to get into the fetal position, but Petrovsky's head was in the way, so he just kept groaning. She bit down at the tip, he damn near yelped at that one. His face was pained and he was sweating profusely. Finally Petrovsky let go. Fin was physically relieved.

"Now that we got you warmed up," she said with a big grin on her face. Oh shit, Fin thought. Before he could react she ripped his shirt right open. Fin felt very scared about what was going to happen next. Sadly it only got worse. Petrovsky pulled off her own shirt and pants. The sight made Fin gag.

Petrovsky's skin was sagging, like she had ten pounds of excess skin, her belly button extended an extra two inches, and her breasts hung down past it. Fin never did a woman this age before, and he vowed never to do so again.

Someone knocked on the office door. Finally! He thought. I'm saved!

"Get the fuck outta here!" Petrovsky yelled, and whoever walked away could be heard running very far away. Son of a bitch! He thought again. "Now," she said more calmly. "Where were we?" She smiled. Fin feared for his life. Suddenly he had the urge to testify for Darius!

Too late, she sat on his lap, pushing him inside of her, eh, even her vagina felt old!

If he thought foreplay was bad, what would the actual sex be like? Oh on!

"Oh that's right baby give it to me!" oh great, he thought, she's a talker! "Oh that's right! Harder!" He didn't have to, she started hopping faster.

"Oh damn!" Fin yelled as Petrovsky started yelling louder. She grabbed his face and started, what she thought was as least, kissing him. But he kept his mouth closed, so she licked his lips and his cheeks, leaving a trail of saliva behind. A thick trail of saliva. She grabbed him around the neck and pulled him onto the ground. He felt pain surge through his back. Still she pounded him screaming.

"That's it you bad boy! Fuck me! Fuck me good and hard! You're a bad boy! A dirty boy! Dirty boys have to be punished!"

"Oh shit!" She grabbed his nipples and started twisting. He screamed in pain, but kept his mouth close. She giggled innocently.

"Yeah that's right. You bad boy!" a tear ran down his cheek. "Oh suck it up you pussy!" she jutted out her lower lip in an exaggerated pout. "Aww, did that hurt? Too bad! Cry me a fucking river you pussy! Yeah you heard me you pussy." She pounded him harder, now his penis was aching. Petrovsky smiled, she was enjoying the sex again. "Yeah that's right! You're a pussy! You're a pussy! A big pussy! Oh that's right you pansy! Oh! Oh! Here I come!" She stopped and just let out a huge loud moan. Fin, thankful she was done, pretended to orgasm too. Petrovsky fell onto his chest, which knocked hte wind out of him. "I need a cigarette." She jumped off him, and pulled a cigarette out of her desk. Fin tried to get up, but he couldn't move. "That was great. You're really wild in bed." Success! He moved his head an inch towards Petrovsky. "Very well, you made an excellent point. Subpoena is cancelled." Slowly but surely he got up and put his clothes back on. Petrovsky decided to stay in her birthday suit. She swivelled to face the wall while Fin snuck out. Hoping never for such an encounter again.

...Two Weeks Later...

Fin hadn't forgotten his experience with Petrovsky, but he had managed not to talk about it at work. Atleast it never has to happen again. He sat in the squad room on a pretty calm day. Nothing exciting had happened recently, he hoped it could this way forever. Suddenly he saw Alicia, the attractive brunette who worked for Judge She-devil, that is, Petrovsky.

"Odafin Tutuola?" she said nervously. Fin was impressed, she pronounced his name correctly.

"That's me!" She headed to his desk and handed him a subpoena.

"You've been served." And with that, she left the station house.

Fin was confused. What was he being served with? He flipped over the first page of the packet and read the second page:

You are ordered to appear in the chambers of Honorable Judge Petrovsky.


	4. Pair Me! ElliotCragen

Pair Me! Elliot/Cragen

Disclaimer: If I owned them I wouldn't be writing on this website now would I?

Summary: Just your average, run of the mill slash

Real Summary: Cragen's caught doing something very odd by the one person he wants more than anything.

Warning: This is written in Cragen's POV but isn't exactly him in a sense. Ah, you'll see.

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Cragen's POV:

I could use a drink. Something strong, like a really tall glass of whiskey. Damn AA! I just had to go and become an alcoholic. I'm an idiot.

Elliot's been fighting again. This time it was with a cop. Those two have been having problems ever since I brought that new guy in. And now they took it to the limit. Now I'm pissed.

"I wonder how Olivia stood you for so long." I say, knowing I struck a nerve.

"Yeah well Olivia's a saint." Or she just liked your ass, I think. It is a very nice ass.

I tell him to change his shirt and get back to work. He walks out of my office, pissed beyond all measure but a hint a smile on his face. I always wondered why he does that, but decided not to ask. I just assume its his way of being angry, manly and whatever else. He's got a thing. Olivia has a thing, her thing is "son of a bitch."

Elliot left hours ago. I decide to go upstairs to the locker room for some reasons unknown. Really, I just felt like it. Stop staring at me!

The room is dark. Of course it is at night so that could have something to do with it. I flip the light switch and it is immediately brighter. Hello, what's this? On top of the garbage can is Elliot's ripped shirt. I look around the room like an idiot, making sure no one's there. I look down the stair case, no one's coming. I walk over to the garbage can and pick up the shirt. This garbage can doesn't hold any thing that's really smelly, fortunately. I put the shirt to my face and take a big whiff. It's a mixture of cologne and sweat. The sweat doesn't smell all that great but the cologne smells good. I sniff again.

"What are you doing.." someone says while I'm mid-sniff. I turn around, the shirt still at my nose. Elliot's standing at the doorway, obviously about to laugh. I put the shirt down. "Is that my shirt?"

"No, well yes."

"You were smelling my shirt-" I cut him off.

"No I wasn't." Now we're both talking at the same time.

"You were smelling my shirt, I saw you."

"I wasn't smelling your shirt."

"So what are you doing, other than smelling my shirt?"

"I was, checking for drugs. I thought I smelled drugs." Yeah, that was convincing. He smiles wider, his eyes were squinted. Another one of his looks.

"You think I'd bring drugs to work? At a police station, I would have drugs on me?" Granted it sounded stupid. I can tell. I may be a drunk, but alcohol didn't fry my brain that much.

"Yes, can't you smell marijuana?" He shakes his head. "Well, I do. And I was sniffiing for drugs. I didn't know it was your shirt."

"Yuh-huh." Awkwardly I drop the shirt back into the trash and shove my hands deep in my pockets.

"I'd-uh-appreciate we not discuss this downstairs." He nods. I try to walk past him but he stops me, still grinning that damn grin. That grin that makes me want to do one of two things; kiss him, or slap him. Really depends on the reason for the grin. Right now, I'm really considering slapping him. Go on, talk about how I was sniffing your shirt. Fuck it!

"Alright, I was smelling your shirt, happy!" He nods.

"Yeah I am." He grabs me by the back of the neck and pushes his lips on mine. Ooh I like this. Before I know it he pushes his tongue inside my mouth. Its warm and massages my own tongue in a way that makes me all tingly. After a few minutes we finally break apart for air.

"Crib?" he asks, unbuttoning the first button on my shirt. Yeah, that's if I don't blow my load right now. I try to play it cool.

"If you want." I shrug. He laughs. Holy shit he can laugh! That something you don't see every day. He checks down the stairs, obviously watching to see if anyone's going to catch us. Good move. He walks off in front of me, and I casually follow. In seconds we're in the crib. There are a lot of beds to choose from.

"Which bed?" Elliot asks me peeling off his shirt. Hey! I wanted to do that!

"I was going to do that," I say with a smile. He grabs me by my shoulders and pushes me on the first bed. He's on top of me. Elliot Stabler, my sexual fantasy for the past seven years is on top of me. Heaven!

"I already ripped one shirt today, I can't let you rip another." He gets off me, I pout. Get back here! He locks the door. Smart man. I knew there was a reason I liked him. I pull my own shirt off. Actually I try to pull my shirt off, but I get caught and end up falling on the floor. My back hurts. Fuck my back hurts!

"Ow." I say. Elliot's standing over me now. "Wanna help me up?" He shakes his head. Ooh you evil bastard. He just crawls on top of my and kisses me again. he pulls my shirt off easily. Oh sure, he can do it! He starts to kiss my chest. Keep in mind, I'm a tad on the hairy side. Ok I'm a neanderthal. It doesn't seem to bother him. Eek! It bothers me! My chest hair is very sensitive don't try to pull it out! Do you mind! I like these pants, I'd prefer it if you didn't tear them! Hey! I need that button. Oh why the fuck am I complaining. How many times am I going to get some gorgeous man coming up to me and wanting to fuck me? Really? I'm bald fat and old. Ok now I'm embarrassed. He snaps the elastic in my tighty-whities.

"Yes, I wear tighty -whities. You got a problem with that?"

"You know they lower your sperm count."

"I'll never wear them again." I probably won't either. Not that I actually need sperm. I mean, my wife died, and now I'm doing a guy. When the hell do I need sperm? Yeah, like I care, I want my sperm damnit! Elliot smiles. He's so cute! And there goes his mouth. Ooh I like that. Oh that feels nice, a little gentler. There, that's better. Oh he's good at this. I'm starting to understand the real reason Kathy left. He's definitely not a first timer. Good good, that's it. Hey, wait...it stopped! Why'd it stop? I was enjoying that!

"You stopped for a reason I assume?" I say looking back at him, still with that dorky grin on his face. He flips over and lies next to me. For a second I don't move. Then he starts pouting, you know, where he sticks his lower lip out like a mile, the way a teenage girl does when she wants her daddy to buy her that $3000 car so she has unlimited transportation and can drive back and forth to work, even when he's working, when she gets a job.

"Can't I get any?" Ooh yey! I climb on top of him, he grunts.

"I'm not that fat!" I yell, mockingly hurt.

"Really?" he says short of breath. I playfully punch him in the chest. He chuckles. I start to kiss his neck and down, down, down, down, and pants some off. Purple silk briefs? And he's mocking my tighty-whities?

"I like those briefs!" he says as if reading my mind. "They make my dick look big."

"Your at work, why do you need a big cock?" He gives me this look of total disbelief. Oh, right, guy. I nod, now I get it, don't yell at me. And they come off. Huh.

"What?" he asks.

"Somehow, I thought you'd be bigger."

"Hey you aren't exactly ten inches long yourself _captain._"

"Oh, probably only half that." he shrugs. The bitch. Well, back to the sex. It feels like he's getting bigger in my mouth. That's always a plus. He's quiet. I look up, his eyes are closed, he looks like he's just enjoying himself. Oh I'm good. Suddenly he looks at me.

"Hey Cap, you know how I know you're gay?" huh? "Cause your sucking my dick." That was supposed to have a purpose I know it!

I let go, he gets a look mixed of anger, frustration, and confusion. "And what was the point of that?" I ask. He rolls his eyes.

"Its from a movie. You need to get out more." He grabs my shoulder and forces me on the bed. Actually I'm hanging over the bed. Oh yeah, he's a giver. You know, I've never been on the receiving end before, well, unless you count that one time in college. Hey, that hurt like hell. Oh fuck!

I hear Elliot spitting. Ew! Oh, hey, you're not going to, oh fuck! Ow, that hurts! Ok, pain is going away. Just keep it slow. There comes pleasure. Oh that's nice. Hey, I said keep it slow! Damnit I am your CO, and I order you slow down!

"Slower," Course it would help if I actually _said_ to slow down. There we go. Ok now you can go faster. "Faster." He stops. Somehow, that was the opposite of what I wanted to happen.

I turn to face him, 'What' written all over my face. You know, I assume. "Make up your fucking mind here!" He starts up again, this time, a little faster than before.

"Faster." yeah, that's good. I'm not lasting much longer. Oh fuck, we're at the crib! Our, um, semen, it'll-be-seen! "Scoot down," I say, gasping for air. Yeah, I'm coming very soon. We move a little down and I squirt. Wait, I'm almost done. I'm still coming. Ok I'm done.

I turn back to Elliot. He looks upset. "Didn't finish?"

"No I finished five minutes ago. I was just waiting for you to stop finishing. I blush. "Awe that's so cute. I made you blush." He kisses me again. We pull our clothes on. I'm about to leave the crib when Elliot grabs me. He starts to kiss me again. Oh crap, we're going to do this again.

There's a knock on the door. Fuck!

I push Elliot off me. He lies down at the first bunk. The person on the other side of the door starts pounding harder. I unlock the door. Fin comes barging in.

"Why the hell was the door locked?" he asked, surprised. I look to Elliot for the answer. Strangely, he's very calm when answering.

"I didn't want to be interupted."

"Why? What were you two doin' in here?" he points from me to Elliot.

Elliot gets off his bunk and says, "Well if you must know, I was just fucking our captain up the ass." Stabler you're fired! Fin looks at me, then back at Elliot, then back at me, then starts laughing.

"You're kiddin'." Elliot smiles.

"Yeah." He gets off the bunk and heads for the door.

"Get some sleep, I gotta go back to work." Before he leaves, he winks at me, but Fin doesn't see. Fin takes his jacket off and puts it next to the first bunk. Damn. I quietly try to sneak out of the room. Too late.

"What the fuck is that!" he yells. And that's my cue. I run down the stairs, Fin is yelling behind me. "Captain!"

A/N: there are some things I want to clear up:

1.)the pout thing with the car. I saw a car that I want my parents to buy me, I decided to throw it in.

2.)the comment "the bitch." its what my father calls my mother when she does something I complain about. Why I'm telling you, I don't know.

3.) "You know how I know you're gay...cause your sucking my dick." A joke from the movie "A 40-year old virgin." when my brother came home, all he could do was talk about it, so I decided to stick in the story.

4.)ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF...THIRTY! SHOULD NOT READ THIS SECTION! Elliot's penis size and choice of underwear. Any freaky SVU fan can tell you there was a spot on an episode where he was wearing nothing but purple briefs! Now why would I put that in my story? Um, duh! It's a sex story! And his penis size, if you've seen Oz, then you know, it wasn't exactly the biggest one.

For once I used real life experience in a story! Again, why am I telling you? Well, I hope you enjoy.


	5. Pair Me! CaseyArthur

Pair Me! Casey/Arthur

Summary: Casey and Arthur have a nice night of casual and innocent sex, as they contemplate what is wrong with the world.

Disclaimer: Don't own anything.

Casey's POV

"I don't want it!" I yell angrily. It was a rough day. A man stuck a little girl in a cooler so he could molest her. Sick psychopathic bastard I hope he rots in hell!

"You'll come to want to." Arthur says. He's an asshole sometimes. Maybe I should just quit. I wanted homicide. What's more exciting than homicide? But no! Instead I get Special Victims. What the hell kind of name is that anyways! Can't they just call themselves sex crimes? Oh wait, I forgot, they also handle child abuse. Personally I have no idea how rape and child abuse are connected, but I think the person who set up the arrangement was high. Hey, where else would you stick child cases?

I leave the office fuming. I go back to my apartment and change into something more comfortable. And what could be more comfortable than a leather corset and thong, black spiked gloves with the top half of the hand cut off, fishnet leggings and thigh high black leather stiletto heel boots. That feels better.

There's a knock on my door. I grab my whip before opening it. HE stands there. HE's wearing a long tan trench coat. God, can you say cliche? I pull him inside and slap him across the face.

"You got a lot of nerve talking to me the way you did." He holds his face. Baby!

"Casey, at work, I'm your boss. I won't baby you just because I'm fucking you." Excuse me? Did he just say that? How dare he!

"You bastard! You better make that up to me somehow." I say with a smirk. I pull his trench coat off. He's wearing black leather chaps with a dark red G-string. He has a leather and chain X across his chest. That's my boy. That's my boss. "I want a pony." He sighs before getting on all fours. I put the reigns in his mouth and climb on his back. He starts crawling around my apartment, every now and then he lets a loud whinny. Whee! I whip his back to make him go faster. "Stop!" he does. I pull the reigns out. He coughs a little.

"Did you like Special Victims at all?" I think for a second. Well there was one thing.

"Well I do like that Olivia girl. She's oh so delectable." He stands up quickly and I tumble to the ground. Ouchies! "Ow! You suck!" He laughs. I pout. He helps me up.

"Are you going to tell me you've finally turned to the dark side?" I smirk.

"I've already turned. The safety words baccarat." I slap him again. He tumbles back.

"I love you."

Oh who cares? I want to talk about this case. That really got to me. "You know that pervert? The honey guy?" I ask Arthur.

"Yeah, what about him?" he's on all fours now and I'm spanking him.

"I just don't get it. How could someone be so sick to use honey to rape a young girl?"

"People just aren't the same as they were. When I grew up, a man molested a child the family took care of him."

"I don't recall growing up with a honey rapist." I push my stiletto heel into his, well, you know. "I've never seen anything remotely like that." I whip him again. "What is the world coming to?"

"Not everyone is like us Casey, they don't all have class." I whip him again. He grunts. "A little to the left." Sorry.

You know, I just don't get it anymore. And its not just the honey guy. But Dr. Daddy, he murdered his own child so his wife wouldn't know he cheated on her. Arthur's wife knows about me, she even joins us sometimes. She's more dominant than I am. That's saying something.

"Baccarat." Arthur groans. Damn. Son of a bitch. I didn't even get to the dog collar yet.

"Fine," I whine. I pull off my thong and he pulls off his g-string. I sit down on the couch and spread my legs. .he climbs on top, and the phone rings.

This better be important! Could you at least hold on a moment? Oh fuck, its my mother!

"Hi mom," gulp.

"Hi honey! How are you doing? I was getting worried you didn't call. Why didn't you call? Its been weeks since I've heard from you. I missed you sweat pea!" I stifle a moan, this guy is a total asswipe. "Oh, amazing news. I was talking to Connie Haldermath's mother, you remember her? Well, she told me that Connie is expecting a baby! Can you believe it? You know she's a cosmetologist. Yeah, she makes make-up or something, I think. Oh listen to me, I'm rambling. Are you moaning? Are-are you having sex? I thought you were still a virgin! Oh my god! Casey? Casey! Are you still there?"

"Mom, I have to go, I'm having sex with a married man!" Click. Woah! Climax! His, climax. I'm still horny. I hate when he does that.

He climbs off. Oh hell no! "That's it? I don't get to finish?" I pout. He puts his g-string and trench coat back on.

"I'm not here to please you Ms. Novak. You're here to please me." He walks out the front door.

"You realize you're on the top of my hit list!" If I ever find a hit man.


	6. Pair Me! OliviaAlex

Pair Me! Olivia/ Alex

Summary: Straight girl Alex wakes up to find she may not be as straight as she once thought

Disclaimer: Do I have to do this for every story? This story, they sound nothing like themselves, no one will!

Alex POV:

What the hell did I just do? I mean what the FUCK did I just do? Oh my god. Good golly gosh! SHIT!

I try to crawl out of bed before she wakes up. Yeah, that's right, I said 'she.' I'm in bed, naked, with Detective Olivia Benson. I'm not gay! I'm straight straight straight straight straight straight!

"Apparently not," oh shit, did I just say that out loud? Fuck me! Oh wait, been there, done that. Shit.

I turn to Olivia, she's naked too. Well, I must say, she has one hot fucking body. I-I didn't say that. Yeah, you're hearing things, yeah! That's it! Oh who the fuck am I kidding?

"What happened?" I ask. She smiles widely and starts stroking my arm. Eek.

"You don't remember?" Obviously not, otherwise I wouldn't be asking!

"No, I don't!" So you wanna tell me?

"We fucked." Thank you for solving all my problems! Oh wait, you just added to them!

"That's not possible. I'm straight. I went out with Trevor Langdon!"

"Yeah and after that, how could you not be gay?" Funny, really can't you hear me laughing?

"Liv, I'm serious! This is bad! I'm not gay! I'm not bi, and I haven't been curious since I was nineteen! And I never went this far!"

"Well now you did. Is it a problem? Do you not find me attractive?"

"I think you're drop dead gorgeous," I say before thinking. I- oh fuck. She smiles. Stop smiling!

"See?"

"That was a joke!"

"Uh, no it wasn't." Yes it was! Can't you just let me believe this is all just a bad dream?

"Well can you at least give me details?" Why? Why am I asking that? I never want to think about this again! Ever!

"I'll do you one better," she crawls on top of me. Oh shit, why is this turning me on? That can't happen. I refuse to let it! She kisses my neck, I'm jelly. So that's how she got me! She found my spot. I'd fuck anyone who gets my spot. Except my mother.

"Oh fuck me!" Or that.

"I plan to." She grabs me and...yeah, you don't need details. Wow she's really good at this. Oh my gosh, wow, what the hell, I'm having sex with a woman! And enjoying it!

Ok, now I'm totally screwed up. I'm performing oral sex. On a woman! How the hell do I know what I'm doing? I've never done this before. At least not when I'm sober. Ok, this actually isn't so ad.

I'm gay.

Fuck!

I wake up sweating and shaking. Oh fuck. That was one hell of a dream! Well, that was, um, interesting. I was having sex. With Olivia. And somehow, I was enjoying it. Thank god it was only a dream.

"Hey you're awake," someone says next to me. I turn, Olivia Benson is buck ass naked in my bed. I look down at myself and I'm naked too.

Oh fuck me sideways!


	7. Pair Me! ElliotCasey

Pair Me! Elliot/ Casey

Summary: Someone comes a knocking on Elliot's door in the middle of the night. What could it possibly be about? Post Scavenger

Disclaimer: My name is Dick Wolf, I am an old man with three successful versions of basically the same show. I keep trying to make shows about just the order par of Law and Order, but it seems to never work out. Oh wait, sorry, I'm dreaming again! I own nothing but the flying munchkins in my mind.

Elliot's POV:

The kids are sleeping. They just fell asleep two minutes ago. Its two in the morning. Right now I could use some peace and quiet. Yeah, no such luck. The doorbell rings. Who the hell goes knocking at someone's door at two in the morning? It rings again. Yeah I'm coming I'm coming.

I check out the window before answering. Its Casey. Well that was totally unexpected. I open the door. "Casey, what are you doing here?" I ask. Seriously, its two in the morning!

"I wanted to make sure you're OK. I mean, today was pretty hard. Hey, I've been meaning to ask, how was Jeannette?" Jeannette Henley was a victim of a serial rapist slash murderer back in the seventies. And today she was kidnaped by the serial rapist slash murderer wannabe. Really creepy.

"She'll be ok, she's a little shaken up."

"Can't blame her for that." Silent. "Well, I should probably get going." She turns to leave. Ok, there's a problem with this whole thing!

"Just hold it! You came all the way here for a five second conversation?" She stops. Yeah, I didn't think so. "Why don't you come on in." I step aside, she walks in. She drops her purse and pulls off her jacket. I gotta say she looks a lot different in jeans. Better. Hotter. The suits she wears at work aren't really very flattering. But tight jeans and lacy tops really suit her.

"Elliot I have a confession to make."

"You raped and sodomized a man." I say seriously.

She hesitates a second, probably thinking, "What the fuck?"

"No," I shrugged.

"I tried." She rolls her eyes. Oh give me a break, that's what people usually tell me when they make a confession. You forget, sex crimes. "So what did you want to tell me?"

She takes a really deep breath before she answers me. "I'm a virgin." I blink. Excuse me?

"What?" She rolls her eyes again. You know you really need to find a new way to express your annoyance.

"A virgin, I'm a virgin! I've never had sex." Wow. "I have never fucked a man!" that she shouts, while my twelve year old children are in the other room. I panic.

"Keep your voice down. I have kids here!" I loudly whisper.

"Daddy?" Elizabeth calls from upstairs. Shit.

"Go back to bed honey, its just a crazy woman on tv."

"Well turn it down a little!" I hear her footsteps go back into her room. I look over at Casey. I'm pissed.

"So what does your celibacy have to do with me?" I cross my arms in front of me.

"I'm not celibate, I've just never had sex before. And I need your help. See, I have this date with this really great guy-"

"If you tell me its Humphrey Becker, I'm kicking you out of here right now!" I joke. And yet again she rolls her eyes.

"No, you douche bag," that, hurts. "Oh stop looking all hurt. He's this cutie from Narcotics. But I don't want him to know that I'm a virgin, and I want to," she gets nervous and tries to hint at it, but I just play dumb, this is really too good to let her off. "Boink him!" She sighs heavily.

"Ok, so what does that have to do with me?" I'm really afraid of what she's about to say. "You want me to tell you how to," finger quotes. "Boink him?""

"Not exactly." I don't like where this is going. "I want you to...be my first." Blink. "First time," blink. "In bed," blink. "Oh my god, I want you to screw me!" She pulls off her top and lunges at me. Holy fuck! She pushes me out the front door and onto the front lawn. Holy sucker mother fucker. She kisses me hard and leaps around my waist. And this chick is a virgin? Yeah, and I'm a millionaire with five homes around the country. I peel her off me. She's panting. Hot.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm having sex with you." She says as if that's the obvious answer. Well, technically it is, but, um...

"Why?"

"Because, you're mildly attractive, I need experience, and at this point in my life I'll fuck my cousin's doberman if it meant getting laid." She scares me. I can' t go up against a serial killer, face near death experiences and a million other things, but this little red headed attorney scares me.

"Yeah, I gotta say, this whole conversation isn't putting me in the mood." Quite the contrary, I can feel my dick shrinking. She pushes closer.

"I'm throwing myself at you. I'm not wearing a top or a bra..." I shake my head.

"Still nothing." She grabs my sack, of course at this time, she couldn't grab my dong unless she went through my mouth.

"How about now?" Ok, Elliot think about this clearly. You work with this woman, you have to see her on an average basis. Things could get awkward. On the other hand, your wife just left you and you are on the rebound. Hmm.

"I'm swelling up." I kiss her back. She pulls off my t-shirt. Wait, fuck. I pull away.

"Now what?"

"We're in my front yard." She thinks about it.

"Good point." I push her into the back yard. No need to wake my kids up. Its still pretty warm outside. I push her under my daughter's old soccer net and pull off the rest of her clothes. Hmm, not bad, not bad at all. She rips my boxers off. And I mean that with the utmost sincerity. Ah who's going to see. "Nice," she seems impressed. I feel flattered.

"Thank you," and back on her. I kiss her and pleasure her. She's a loud moaner. I look up. "This is going to hurt."

She nods. Slowly I push inside of her. I can tell it hurts. Its not my first time popping a cherry. Its my second. I really have not slept with many women in my life. Casey makes number two. Huh.

I keep my pace slow at first so I get her used to it. Kathy always liked sex to be really slow. Like really really really reeeeeeaaaaalllly slow. I fell asleep a couple times.

"Faster." Ok. I'm sweating and I'm pretty sure my neighbors turned on their lights and are watching me now. At this point I'm not really caring.

"Elliot, Elliot! Oh my god. I'm I'm I'm," she never finished her sentenced. Instead she orgasmed all over my lawn. I really hope my kids don't see this.

I orgasm right after Casey. Then I climb off and put my shirt back on. My boxers are officially ruined. Casey's panting and pulls on her jeans. "Well," she says in between breaths. "Thank you."

"Hey, who's the guy you're going on a date with?" I ask curiously.

"His name's Brian Cassidy." Blink.

_Well what did you think? R&R please. Sorry my updates take forever. I'll try to do better. I'm not promising anything._


	8. Pair Me! BrianKathy

Pair Me! Brian/ Kathy

Summary: Brian has an affair with Kathy, when Elliot enters. Not a good mix. Note: the italics are the real story about what happened when the affair began. The regular print is Brian's thoughts.

Disclaimer: Don't own the people, just the story.

Brian's POV

I'm the luckiest, craziest mother fucker in New York. Here I am, in bed with probably one of the most beautiful woman in the world. That makes me lucky, but what makes me crazy you ask? Easy, she's married. Not only to a friend, but a fellow cop. Who could probably kick my ass, that is, before he shoots me. But hey, he couldn't keep her satisfied, and I can.

The day started off simply enough. Today I was investigating a gang rape of a young woman. I decided to stop by Elliot Stabler's place, hoping that maybe he could help me out or something, you know, that was a tough case, I could use some support. His wife Kathy opened the door. I gotta say, Elliot's one lucky fuck, this woman is gorgeous, and I told her that, but only because she asked me. And for some reason, a total surprise to me, she jumps on me and starts kissing me!

_The real story_

"_Mrs. Stabler, I have to tell you this. I think you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen," Brian said. This caught Kathy by surprise, she backed up a bit._

"_Brian," she started. "Look you're a nice guy, but I'm married!" She held up her left hand to show him her ring._

"_He doesn't deserve you!"_

Now I was a little hesitant to do anything, I mean, I looked up to Elliot, he was a great guy. And here I was, with his wife trying to rape me!

"_Brian," Kathy started again. _

"_If you were my wife, I couldn't go a minute without touching you. I don't know how Elliot could do it. Or how he could cheat on you."_

"_What?"_

She' s sleeping now. But I feel so guilty. Elliot was my friend. And this woman is cheating on him. With me, granted that's a good thing, but Elliot works with a beautiful woman every day and HE can stay faithful.

"_What you didn't know? Elliot and Olivia, they're sleeping together. They have been for a while." At hearing this, Kathy grows furious. She wants nothing more than to kill her husband. But instead, she decides, hey, two can play that game. _

I didn't do a thing to lead her on though.

_She lunges at Brian and kisses him passionately. Brian returns it, and starts to pull of her shirt, while she tries to undo his pants._

Then she pulls off all of our clothes. I kept trying to pull the kiss apart.

_Brian picks up Kathy and carries her to the bedroom. _Then she dragged me to the bedroom. _He drops her on the bed and starts to kiss her all over. He spreads her legs apart and starts to pleasure her. _But by the time she got between my legs I couldn't stop anymore, not that I really wanted to. _After a few minutes he pulled away and pushed inside of her._

_The two got in every position known to man, and even a few most people wouldn't try to attempt. After an hour they were too worn out to keep going. Kathy fell asleep, mildly satisfied afterwards. But she had to admit, Brian wasn't as good as Elliot._

She was satisfied. I doubt if she'll be able to have any thing even come close to that. I mean, I got her to come, over and over and over. We got into this position, when she was standing over me, and I was doing a head stand and she was jumping up and down on my cock. That was fun. Then she flipped into a pretzel and I had fun with that one. First I fucked her from behind, then upside down. Then she pulled her leg over my shoulder and had me suck her toes. Good times good times.

I hear the front door open. Oh fuck. I jump out of bed and race around the room trying to collect all my clothes, except a couple of the things are in the living room. In fact, most of our things are in the living room. Fuck.

"Kathy!" Elliot yells. Kathy's still sleeping. Jeez, she's a heavy fucking sleeper! I try to open the window, but its locked and we're on the second floor. He couldn't have an apartment like everyone else? I hear him coming up the stairs. I try to hide under the bed. Totally full. Fuck.

"What the fuck!" he yells, obviously seeing my naked white ass in his face trying to crawl under his marital bed, and his wife, naked, on the bed. The room smells like sex. I'm fucked.

Elliot grabs me by the shoulder and heaves me up then slams me into the wall. The vein in pulsing in his temple. His eyes are fire. I'm dead. "Brian?"

"Hi Elliot."

I stumble into the precinct and into Cragen's office. Elliot's smart. He didn't make a single mark on my face. But the rest of me is bruised and scarred. And my dick took one hell of a beating when he decided to take a hammer to it. I think I'm sterile. Needless to say crying.

And of course, Cragen asks me about the case. Sure ignore my throbbing cock. Hey a transfer? Please! I do not need a repeat of my little encounter with Elliot. Narcotics sounds fun.

_I get that this one probably isn't as good as the others. But I tried. Everybody's allowed one bad story. I hope..._


	9. Pair Me! FinCragen

Pair Me! Fin/Cragen

Summary: Fin's on the rebound. Cragen flatters him. flattery plus rebound equals one night stand! R&R!

Disclaimer: Don't own anything but the story. I don't even own that! owns that! So what do I own?...Don't own anything but the idea.

Fin's POV

I cradled my beer in my hands. Actually, it was more like protecting it from any body who might want to steal it from me. It's half drunken and probably full of some of my spit. But you never know. I've met people who did a lot of crazy shit.

I've had a rough day, bad break up. Really bad break up. Something about another man. Like I'm not "the one." Ya know before neither of us gave a damn about being "the one," neither of us even used those words. Well, he got soft.

Yeah that's right I said "he" wanna fight about it?

What you wanna know who "he" is? Well, I guess I could tell you. My friend and colleague. No, not my partner. Elliot. And the bastard dumped me.

"_Look Fin, I like you, but I love someone else."_ Bitch. The asshole cheated on me!

"_Wanna tell me who?"_ Oh you'll never believe this...

"_George."_ Now I ask you, is anyone in the precinct straight!

"Fin," I know that voice, but its not the voice I necessary wanna hear. I decided not to turn around. Why bother?

"Hey Cap," I answer. Don sits next to me, he looks grim, as usual.

"What's up?" I contemplate whether or not to answer, but he is my captain, so I guess I gotta.

"Bad day."

"What happened?"

"Bad break up."

"Are you going to give me a full sentence?"

"No." Cragen sighs heavily. I take a drink of my beer.

"So Elliot broke up with you." I choke of my drink. What the fuck?

"What the fuck?" Cragen smiles.

"You didn't think I knew did you?" Well obviously. What part of 'what the fuck' didn't you understand? Hmm? I shake my head. "It was pretty obvious, no offense. So why'd he leave?"

"He got another boyfriend."

"Who?"

"Huang." Cragen doesn't say anything right away. Then he starts to smile.

"Is everyone in the precinct gay?" I shrug.

"Other than John and you and Olivia. I think Casey is though."

"Well, that at least leaves John and Olivia." Yeah, true. Wait a second. John, Olivia, he forgot someone. Who did he forget? Oh yeah.

"What?" he smiles again.

"Fin we're in a gay bar." Oh right. I swear the beer's frying my brain. That's it and nothing else! "You know I have to be honest with you. I was always a little jealous of Elliot."

"Because he's gorgeous and a good cop and all that other crap."

"Actually I never found him that attractive. I was referring to the fact that he had you." Flattery plus gay guy on the rebound equals one night stand.

"Well, you could be that lucky too. If you play your cards right." I wink at him. Holy shit. Did I just wink at Cragen? God I'm desperate! But I think Cragen's more desperate. He picks up his hand and starts to rub my groin. Ok, no more drinking. I grab Cragen's hand and lead him out to my car. Wait, do I really want to wait till I get home? Hell no. I lead us back into bar and towards the bathroom.

"Wanna make up your mind?" Cragen yells behind me. I grab him by the shoulders and slam him into the wall. I take hold of his mouth with my own. He's not exactly the best kisser, I've certainly had better, but I've had worse. I rip his clothes off. Literally, ripped. He, for some stupid reason takes time to pull my clothes off. Sigh, guys.

Woah hey, he's...ahh, that's nice. God this guy's got a mouth like a hoover! I brace myself against the wall. ok enough of that. Did I just say that?

I pull my...self out of my boss' mouth. Then force him down on all fours. Now, um, I need a condom. I'm in a gay club this shouldn't be too hard. Especially since there's a condom dispenser in the bathroom, and we just happen to be in the bathroom. I rummage through my discarded pants till I find some spare change. God this is difficult. I seriously need to starts carrying change with me.

"I'll be right back." I run out of the bathroom. "Hey!" I yell to the crowded bar. It instantly grows quiet. "Does anyone have a condom?" The room doesn't move. I feel a tap on my shoulder. Some big burly guy hands me a trojan. Her pleasure. Well tonight it will act as a 'his pleasure.' Haha. Still the room is quiet. What the fuck is wrong with everyone? Hey, is there a breeze in here? I look down. Well that sure explains a lot. People aren't talking 'cause here stands a guy in his birthday suit. If I saw some crazy guy letting his flag fly in a bar, I'd probably not say anything either. I smile sheepishly and nod before running back into the bathroom. Cragen's still on all fours.

"Have fun?"

"Tons." I rip open the condom and slide in on. If you can tell I'm really not into foreplay. Especially during rebound sex. "Ready?" He nods. I push in.

For some reason that I can't really explain, the thought that I'm in a bathroom in a gay bar doing it doggy style with my boss really turns me on. I wander what would happen if we did this at the precinct. Woah! I just grew another inch at that thought. Sweet. Grunt. Groan. Ooh, eek. Aww! Orgasm!

I slump onto top of cragen. He falls under me with a loud grunt. "Fin, my back isn't exactly the best."

"Oh sorry." I roll off. Dude, when was the last time you wiped your ass? Ew!

At that exact moment a short little Chinese man in a green sweater and khaki pants walks in with a taller white guy in a tee shirt and tight blue jeans. I always liked those jeans.

"Fin, Cragen?" George asks. Oh the irony. I smile.

"George," I pull my pants on, Cragen moves a little slower. I glare at the other man. "Elliot."

"Fin." he replies. I pull on my shirt. Cragen picks up the remains of his.

"Come on Cap, I'll give you a ride home." And with that we walk out of the bathroom, but not before I hear George make one final comment.

"You broke up with that?"

_Whew! I know that took a long time to write, but I've had a lot of family problems, and school started and worst of all, my brother moved back home, so I've been trying to balance all of that crap. So here ya go! I hope you enjoy!_


	10. Pair Me! AlexDickie

Pair Me! Alex/Dickie

Summary: Alex stops by Elliot's to make sure he's ok, but finds something a little different. And cuter. Post "Execution."

Disclaimer: Own nothing but the idea.

A/N: I'm changing Dickie's age to sixteen. I know at the time, he should only be like, I don't eight, but for story purposes I'm aging the kid.

Alex's POV:

Why am I doing this? What's the point? I'm standing outside Elliot's house. Nice place. Hmm. I knock on the door. You can still leave. The door opens. Damn.

Standing in the door is a young, very attractive man. Ha! I knew it! Elliot's gay! I knew it! Married my ass. Yeah, like anyone was going to fall for that!

"Is Elliot here?" I ask the hot stranger.

"Uh, no, I'm here by myself," he looks me up and down. Yeah, like what you see?

"You Elliot's boyfriend?" I ask casually. Why, I have no idea. I just want confirmation that he's gay. Ok, apparently not, given the appalled look I'm getting from this hot stranger.

"Ew! No! He's my father!" That I didn't expect.

"Aren't you a little cute to be related to him?" I'm not trying to insult this guy's father, but come on! Look at him!

"I'm flattered. Really," he steps over the threshold closer to me. Wow he smells good. Really good. "Most people say I look just like my dad."

"That's just insulting." I'm soooo tempted to kiss him right now. I pull arms closer to my chest.

"Cold?" Mr. Cutie asks. I nod, actually my nipples are hard but I don't want to admit that. "Why don't you come inside?" He steps aside so I can enter. I'm a little hesitant. I go inside I'm going to want to jump the boy. I doubt Elliot would appreciate that. Do I really care though?

Mr. Cutie steps behind me. I can feel his breath on the nape of my neck. Neeyahaha. "Can I take your coat?" He whispers, still on my neck. Oh you cute bastard! I peel off my jacket. He puts in the coat closet. Ooh, nice ass. "You know, I probably should've asked this sooner, but what's your name?" Right, names. Um. Oh crap what is it again?

"Alex, what about you?" I can't keep referring to you as Mr. Cutie.

"I'm Dickie," a million perverted thoughts whirl around my head. Calm yourself Alex! Now! "Want something to drink?"

"Actually I'd prefer to see you naked right now," I think. Wait, why are there quotes around that? Why did you type in quotes? No!

"Excuse me?" I hate you so much Bob! With the white hot intensity of a thousand suns! With a fiery passion! The word loathe doesn't even begin to cover it, I hate you, I guess would be the Quick Notes version. I sigh heavily.

"I said, I'd prefer to see you naked. Is that a problem?" he looks a little shocked but after that little outburst ( cough bitch! cough cough) I'd probably be shocked too.

"That depends, could I see you naked?" ooh, he's cocky. I love that in a man! Fuck it. I lunge at him and push my lips on him so hard I think I bruised him. I kissed him, I guess would be the easy version. He's a bit shocked at first, but he doesn't resist. He pushes me further into the house and I fall onto the kitchen table. I really hope they don't eat here much. Wait, a thought comes to mind.

I push him off me. "You are over eighteen right?" He nods.

"Oh yeah." Good enough for me! I kiss him again. He's a really good kisser. I pull his shirt off and he slips my pants down. I kick them off. I hate having sex with clothes on. Wow, this guy, has one helluva body! Swoon! I caress his rippling abs and toned pecs. Swoon.

"Ooh, me likey." He chuckles. He pulls my shirt over my head and my glasses go flying. This would have been a good time to wear contacts. I want to see his body! Not a blur! But, kisses work too. He kisses my neck, which I shiver at. Then he kisses down the rest of my body till he finds his way to my...well, you know. Man this guy can work that tongue. He is so not a first timer. He stops. Hey!

"Hey! I was enjoying that!" He smiles. Then wipes his mouth on his arm. Well thank-you, that is definitely appreciated. He slides inside of me. It's a good fit. One problem.

I grab him around the waist and fling us around. Sadly the table isn't big enough and we tumble to the floor in a loud thud. Dickie on bottom. "Ow," is all he says. I kiss him deeply. Then I pull back.

"I like being on top." His smile brightens and he looks down at my chest.

"I'm not complaining." Perv. Oh but such a cute perv. I rock back and forth on top of him. It feels so good! He starts kissing my boobs. I chuckle. Typical male. He slides his hand in between us. Well, hello, that is a good feeling.

Finally I... well, you know, wink wink all over the floor. I fall next to him as he climaxes. Wow. And here I was about to apologize for what happened in Jersey, but this was much better.

The phone rings.

Dickie lets the answering machine get it. Course, after that fall, I doubt if he can actually stand. "Dickie, its your mom. Guess what? Its midnight! Happy Birthday, Dickie! Sixteen. Wow, stop getting older! Well look, your father will I will be home later. Maureen and Kathleen are coming down from college this afternoon for your birthday. Sweet sixteen, gosh, I feel so old now-"

The message stopped. Dickie had lunged for it and deleted it before Kathy could finish. I lay there in all my nakedness. I just had sex with a fifteen year old? Ew! "I have to go." I start collecting my things.

"Alex," I slap him.

"You're jailbait. And I'm going to go, before anything can be pointed back at me." I spare one last glance at his large...self. For a kid, he's pretty well endowed. "Call me when you turn seventeen." That's legal.

_Well, did you like it? Now, under no circumstances do I support pedophilia, this is simply for the sake of entertainment. Pedophilia is completely wrong unless Orlando Bloom or David Boreanez would like to give me a call. But other than that, pedophilia is completely wrong, not to mention really gross. Well, R&R plz!_

_Bob._


	11. Pair Me! JohnOlivia

Pair Me! Olivia/John:

This story is dedicated to JohnOlivia3, hope it fits your liking!

Summary: Olivia decides to write her fanfiction when her favorite protagonist shows up, and she realizes, she's more of a pervert than she thought.

A/N: This story contains a lot of insults towards homosexual people, it is not meant to be insulting, simply perverted.

Disclaimer: I did it! I bought SVU from Dick Wolf! Ok, time to make changes. Elliot is going to be gay. Dani Beck is going to die at the end of six episodes, Olivia gets pregnant by a secret boyfriend. Cragen is going to crawl back into the bottle. And Fin and Munch are going to have more emotional parts. If you believed me, I'm scared.

* * *

Olivia's POV: 

_John pushed her back onto the bed and ripped off her clothes. She moaned softly as he sucked on her neck. He smiled. No one could please her as he could. His hands roamed over her naked body. Her skin was soft to the touch. She pulled him closer to her. She needed to feel the warmth of his body on top of her. He pulled his mouth off of her. She pouted. "I love you," he said with all honesty. First her eyes grew wide, but as his words set in her mouth grew into a wide smile. "I love you too, John." She pulled him back into a passionate kiss. John tried not to smile, or break the kiss. It was official. Olivia was his..._

"Liv?" I jerk away from my computer. Oh son of a fuck. It's John. I try to click out of Word. But the damn cursor won't meet its target. Close! Close! Close you bastard before I throw you down and stomp on you till my foot breaks! "What ya doing?" He steps closer and leans over my shoulder. Mary mother of pearl! My stomach twists into a million knots. Both from John over my shoulder, and the fact that he's reading my story.

"What the heck is this?" He looks down at me, peering over his sunglasses.

"A story?"

"Yeah, I got that, why are you writing it?" Gulp.

He sits down at Elliot's desk. You know, this probably would have been safer if I wrote this at home instead of at the office. Why didn't I? Because I'm a nitwit!

"Well, see, I've found this website called fictionpress. And it lets you write stories and post them and other people read those stories. And I felt like writing a romance story about a girl named Olivia and a man named John." yeah, that sounded believable.

"Why Olivia?"

"I like my name."

"Why John?"

"I like your name." That sounded less believable.

"You described an older guy who always wears sunglasses." Yeah, how do I explain that one off?

"I was imagining Hugh Jackson."

"Jackman." John corrected. Right, yeah, him. Oh what can I say? I've always liked older men. Especially with big noses.

"Yeah, him."

"But his name is John, in fact you call him 'John Munch' several times. And you talk about his bony white ass a few times." I blink. Um. Well he's got me there.

"Yeah, well, its good fiction. You know, romantic younger woman and older man, falling in love, and fighting crime." Oh yeah, like anyone is believing this crap. Kill me now. He gives me a look. Oh fuck. "Ok, you caught me, I have a thing for older men. Happy?"

"What if I said I was?"

"Then I would push all the shit off Elliot's desk and fuck your brains out." Did I just say that out loud. Jeez, story me would be so angry I said that. She has poise and shit. Not to mention creamy silky skin.

"Ok, then I'm very happy. And hard." I blink. Wow. Um. Wow. Um. Ooh.

I stand up and shove all the shit, minus the computer off of Elliot's desk. Payback for him fucking his damn boyfriend on my desk. And then in my apartment. Damn fairy. I rip off my shirt and pull John on top of me. Wow, its just my story! Except kinkier.

He starts kissing and biting my neck. I melt. I grab his groin and rub it. Ok, not as big as John in my story, but not bad. I've had smaller. I pull it out of his pants. He unzips my jeans. Ok, they're a tad bit tight, I want to look like I have a nice ass, not one that sags down to my knees. It takes John a bit of time for him to peel them off. Come on, man I'm horny!

"Come on man, I'm horny!" I yell, he dives his face between my legs. Holy fuck bitch shit eater! Yes I just said that, get over it! You know, that really is a gross thought. Hmm. Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, John going down on me. You know, now I'm realizing why his wives left him. He's not good at the oral pleasuring. Not good, but not bad. I pull him off of me and he pushes the only thing on his body that's bigger than his nose, inside of me. Alright, now to be a bad girl. I push him onto Elliot's chair and sit on his lap. But after a while the slapping of my thighs on his really gets on my nerves, so I get back on his desk, and of course, the picture of his boyfriend goes flying. Whoops. Oh, did I just accidentally shoot it with my gun I had conveniently laid on my desk moments before? Now how did that happen.

"A little to the left." John repositions himself. He puts his leg up on the desk and flips my leg over his shoulder. NOW THAT FEELS GOOD. "Holy shit!"

"Oh fuck!" he yells.

"What your fucking mouth!"

"Fuck off you whore!" Why did that just turn me on more?

"Old ass scrawny prick!"

"Carpetmuncher!"

"Fudgepacker!" Seriously this is really turning me on. You know, when I've talked dirty before, it really felt a little awkward. But this... the guy just called me a carpetmuncher and it just pushed me closer to coming. Does that make any sense?

"Fuck you you stupid slut. God, do you just fuck any guy with a cock?"

"Some without it." I stops for a second. But only a second.

"Dyke."

"Fag." I can't take it anymore. I come all over him, myself, and best of all, Elliot's desk.

"Great, that's just great, what about me?" I roll my eyes, then get on my knees and take him in my mouth. God, I'm really more of a perv than I ever thought before. Huh. Well what do you know?

He climaxes in my mouth. Gag. I spit it on Elliot's desk. Sorry, I don't swallow.

* * *

...The Next Day... 

"Hey Liv," Elliot said. "Did you do something to my desk?"

* * *

_Happy? I made a John and Olivia story. And it is dedicated to all those annoying people who kept wanting a John/Olivia story. Voila! Hope you liked it! R&R please!_


	12. Pair Me! HuangAlex

Pair Me! Huang/ Alex

Summary: Alex has writer's block. Huang enters to help her, sex ensues, there will be a cameo appearance by Huang's ex girlfriend, guess who it is...

Disclaimer: What do you think?

Alex POV:

Wow I really have no idea what to write. I mean total writer's block. Let's see um, um, um, wowie. Oh yeah, doodles, brilliant! I drew a frog. Oh why not give him an afro. Hahaha, a frog with an afro. Aw, he's cute.

"Alex?" I jerk my head up. Huang's standing there in my doorway of my office. He's wearing that ugly little pullover thing with black slacks. Does he own a pair of jeans? How about a t shirt?

"George." I say surprised.

"What are you doing?" He comes from the doorway and steps closer to my desk. I put my pen down.

"Trying to write my opening statements for court and I have writer's block." He nods.

"Need any help?" I nod.

"Yeah, got any?" He chuckles. "Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury. A man was raped. This woman did it. Thank you, how's that?"

"It was awful." Yeah no shit sherlock.

"Huang, would it kill you to say 'it sucked?'" he seriously contemplate this.

"Probably not, but it would lower my IQ a few points." Was that a joke? Did George Huang actually make a joke? Hell froze over.

"Funny, hahaha. I'm rolling on the floor. Really, watch out, don't step on me."

"Now that's funny." He sits on my desk. "Well what do you say I help you procrastinate a little more." I sigh and lean back in my chair.

"George, look, I'm about to take on a huge case, I have an attorney for a defendant, another attorney acting like men can't be raped, fighting police who either agree with the defense or agree with me, and to top it all off I have writer's block. I can't take time to, procrastinate." He leans over and kisses me. Do I back off? A smart woman like me should know that having a fling in your office during a major case it incredibly stupid. "Then again, what would a half an hour do?" Hi I'm Alex and I'm incredibly stupid. I kiss him again.

We stop long enough for me to clear off my desk with a quick swipe from my arm. I climb on and grab Huang again. You know after last time, when we did this in the FBI bathroom, you'd think we would learn to save the sex until after work. But that would contradict my totally stupid theory. Hey! He ripped my skirt! Jerk. "You so owe me a new skirt!" I say against his lips, though it comes out more in intervals than a complete sentence. The whole making out like two horny teenagers thing.

He pulls down his pants, and of course what happens? My doorknob starts jiggling. Fuck! I try to push Huang off of me, but he's not budging. Oh screw it! I shove us onto the floor, Huang on top of me. My door opens, and under my desk I can see a pair of bare legs resting on black stiletto heels.

"Alex? Alex are you here?" its Elizabeth Donnelly, my bureau chief. I slap Huang. Why you ask? Because the bastard if still humping me!

I let out a soft moan as he gently gyrates his hips against me. Great, are you trying to get me fired? "Alex!" Fuck! She's standing over me. I smile.

"Hi Elizabeth. How did you know that I was here?" Huang still hasn't stopped. Oh my god! Yes that was a moan.

"I saw your feet and heard your moan." I slap Huang, jeez he's persistent. "You have a case to finish," she said to me, "And you," she turned to Huang. "Are an asshole." She walks out. "Hurry up in there!" She yells from outside. I blink, so many thoughts are whirling around in my head. Number one. Elizabeth is letting me fuck a guy in my office. Why? Second.

"What the hell was that about?" I ask Huang.

"Lizzie and I used to go out," he says biting my nipple. I push him off.

"You tell me that and try to have sex with me? Are you shitting me?" He shakes his head.

"What's your problem?" You know I didn't think that far. It doesn't help that his penis is still inside of me, and his hand is now paying with my- what do romance novels call it?- pleasure spot.

"I don't know any more." To hell with ethics and fuck my brains out!!! "Just don't tell me anything about you and Elizabeth." He rolls his eyes, I slap him again. God I'm such a dominatrix. Probably not, but I am violent.

I can feel it. Yeah, its coming on, my orgasm. "Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh oh oh!!! Fuck me!" Oh wait, you already did. Huang opens his mouth and shakes. He's done. He fell down on top of me, and let out a small oomf. You know for such a small guy he can really knock the wind out of you.

He leans forward and picks up my notes. "Nice tree," blink. I didn't draw a tree. Hey!

"That's a frog."

"Oh," yeah. "So, do you still have writer's block?" I nod. Damn. "Oh well," Elizabeth chose that moment to walk back in.

"If your finished screwing my ex boyfriend, the boss wants to see you in her office." Uh oh.

"Well that can't be good."

"Oh and watch out for him. I dumped him after I caught him with Jack McCoy." She walks out. I look at Huang appalled. Can you say ew? He just shrugs.

"What can I say, I'm adventurous."

"Never would have guessed."

_Ok, few things. I wrote this when I had writer's block, hence the beginning. Oh, and remind me to make an Elliot and dani fic. I probably would have waited longer, but after yesterday (Tuesday) and the previews for next week, I figure I should push it up. But dude, Elliot and DANI??? Am I the only one who yelled "Oh my god!" five times when I saw it? Thought so. I'm rambling again aren't I?_

_Bob._


	13. Pair Me! CragenPetrovsky

Pair Me! Cragen/Petrovsky

Summary: Cragen and Petrovsky have a night at a sleazy motel. Warning: if you have a problem with people as old as your grandparents, or my case parents getting it on, I'd skip this chapter. Cringe, parents getting it on. Bigger cringe, grandparents getting it on.

Disclaimer: Own Nothing.

Third person POV

On an average day neither of these people would step near this disgusting motel. But today they really didn't care. The bed was shaped like a heart, with leopard print sheets. Judge Petrovsky sat on top in a lacy black babydoll top, black leather thong, and fuzzy black stiletto heels. Cragen strode out of the bathroom in a tiger print satin briefs.

"There's my fierce tiger," Petrovsky said licking her wrinkled lips.

"Growl," answered Cragen seductively. Petrovsky rose her arm and started clawing the air.

"Ooh, meow!" She hissed. Cragen stepped closer. Petrovsky crawled to the edge of the bed and grabbed his underwear and snapped the band. "Ooh, baby." She purred. Cragen pushed her back on the bed and jumped on top of her. "Ooh, I like it when your rough Donny."

"Say that again," Cragen moaned kissing her neck. "I," kiss "Love" kiss "it" kiss "when" kiss.

"Spit it out already you fucking prick!"

"When you call me Donny." Petrovsky giggled like a little school girl.

"And I love it when you call me Your highness Majesty." Cragen blinked. That was a bit much. Your highness _and _majesty?

"How about one or the other?" He said lifting her top to reveal her less than perfect shape. She spanked him.

"I want both!" uh oh, Cragen thought as she started yelling. He leaned forward and grabbed her tongue between his teeth. She stopped. "Thath's dithpicable!" she tried to say. Cragen rolled his eyes. He let go.

"Enough talking and lets just get on with it! We only have the room for an hour."

"Well why didn't you say so?" Petrovsky lunged at the old man. Cragen ripped off her top and fondled her saggy, well, you know. She jumped on top of him, and pulled off his briefs. She tried to fling them across the room, but they landed on his face instead. Cragen screamed and pulled them off.

"Don't do that again." He said a little breathlessly.

"Sorry, I thought it was sexy."

"Lena, nothing about this fling is sexy. I mean, two old saggy people getting it on in a disgusting motel isn't something you ever see in a porn movie." She slapped Cragen across the face. "Ow!"

"Say I'm sexy."

"But your not. Truth be told I'm gagging to have you on top of me. But I know I have no choice of getting somebody like Olivia or Casey, so you'll have to do." Petrovsky shrugged.

"Close enough. Now come to daddy! I mean, mommy." Cragen rolled his eyes. He tried to slickly slide inside of her, but was finding he was having difficulty. So he grabbed his wrinkled member and forced himself inside. "Its been a while hasn't it?"

"You have no idea." Petrovsky shrugged again. She jumped up and down on Cragen's lap. He grunted with every throw. "Oh I'm not that heavy!"

"I beg to differ." Still, Cragen was a fifty- six year old widower, and former drunk. He was never going to get a girl any better than Lena Petrovsky.

Petrovsky was a married woman, but she was bored. Cragen was there. So, eh.

Cragen flipped her over so he was on top. He had a bit of trouble getting into a good rhythm. Oh come on! Petrovsky thought. Like that's really that hard.

"So, we're talking years since you've had any, huh?"

"Mid seventies."

"Ouch." She meant it. "I mean, ouch! Really."

"Yeah, shut up."

"Ooh, say I t again captain! Tell me to shut up!"

"You're an odd one."

She pinched his buttcheek. Hard. Ow! "Say it!"

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! For the love of god shut up!"

"You shut up shit eater." Cragen's body convulsed as he exploded into a climax. Petrovsky soon followed. He slump down on top of her. All air left Petrovsky's lungs.

"Oh shut up." She petted his bald head. "So was it good for you?" Petrovsky shrugged.

"I've had better."

"Yeah right."

"Shut up!"

_So, I know, it wasn't that great of a chapter, but at least i can admit, i've written better. But i needed this chapter, and I had to write one between Cragen and Petrovsky._


	14. Pair Me! ElliotDani

Pair Me! Elliot/ Dani

Summary: Post "Cage." Dani doesn't want to lose Elliot.

Disclaimer: Don't own anything but the idea.

Warning: Dani's POV, (out of character)

"Are you asking me to stay?" I say, a little hopeful that he will. I mean, if he said, "Dani, stay," I'll do it. The sad thing, that's the truth.

"I can't," yes you can! Damn! He's making a point. Am I listening? Of course not, I started zoning out after "I can't." Damn! Can't you just say you like me and want me to stick around? I nod.

"Goodbye Elliot." I turn to walk away. Come on, stop me. Do something damn it! Oh screw it.

I turn back around. "Elliot," but he's not there. Damn it! Son of a bitch! I run forward trying to find him. Ok, I can do this. Just tell him how you feel. Tell him you like him. Tell him you fantasize about seeing him naked...

That may be a little too much information for him. Ok, forget that last part. Just tell him that you're madly in crush with him.

Why don't we start by finding him. How's that? Ahha! There he is. "Elliot!" I yell. He turns around. God, he's cute. And a really good kisser, but that's another story. I stop in front of him. "I," gasp. Ok, running may not have been the best idea. I put my hand up to tell him to give me a minute so I can regain my composure. Breathe, breathe Dani breathe!

"Are you ok?" He asks. Oh yeah, just ignore my gasping for breath. Ok, there we go.

"Yeah, I'm fine. But, I have to tell you something." Ok, so how do I say this? Um, Elliot, I like you. I want to have sweet monkey sex with you. Scratch that last part. "Just because I'm leaving the squad, doesn't mean you and I can't be friends. Right?" Not what I was thinking. Very far from my initial thought. "Wait, no, that came out wrong."

"So, you don't want to be friends?" Was that, hurt? Oh I hope so! That came out bitchy didn't it? Yeah I thought so.

"No, I mean yes. I mean." Why is this so hard? "I want more." That's pretty obvious. Right?

"You mean..." Oh god he's slow! I grab him and kiss him. Keep in mind we're still in the hospital. But it did get his attention.

"Got it now?" I say a little breathlessly. Like I said, he's a good kisser.

"Not whatsoever. I think I need a bigger hint." Ass. But I'm not complaining. I grab him by the shirt collar and pull him into the nearest room. I nearly fall over. I laugh, he doesn't. He's staring over my shoulder. I look, and sure enough, we are in an occupied room. A sad sad family is standing around a sickly old man hooked up to an IV. I really feel like a bitch right now.

"Sorry," I say. "Wrong room." Elliot pulls me out of there, laughing. "I feel like such a bitch."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. What do you say we just go home." Oh come on! I was really going to have fun! Bastard. I sigh.

"Fine, but I'm not happy about it" he nods. We walk towards the elevator. Now, what makes this moment even worse? We are the only ones inside. Wait, that could be a good thing...

I push the stop button. Despite the annoying wail coming from the emergency stop, I was extremely turned on, and judging by the smile on Elliot's face, he was turned on too. I grabbed him and kissed him again. Man I never get tired of this.

He peeled my shirt off, while I ripped off his jeans. That's always been my favorite part. Ripping the pants off of somebody. Soon we're naked. I'd give you details, but that would get boring, we took our clothes off and got naked. I really hope there aren't any cameras. Hmm, Elliot's got a hot body. Come to mama!

He slams me against the wall. Ow! Damn that hurt! And yet I'm over it. My husband never was this good. I jump up and wrap my legs around his waist. And back to kissing. I like his lips. He's pushed completely against me. Hehehe. Giggle. He pushes himself inside of me. Now I'm happy.

I'd give you more details, but do you really want to know? Let me just say, the things we did in that elevator is adult content and not meant for children.

"Oh! Oh my god!" Elliot's just grunting. A deep manly tough grunt. I like it! My body shakes and shivers. Wow, that was a workout. And fun, can't forget fun! I slump down on the floor. "Holy shit."

"Wow." I nod.

"Yeah." We laugh. "That was fun."

"Yeah, we should do it again sometime." I nod.

"I'll hold you to it." We pull our clothes back on, and press the button so the elevator to start again. The rest of the ride is silent, a little awkward, but mostly we're just out of breath. The doors open, and four security guards are standing there, smiling.

"You know, we keep cameras in these things." The first one says. Oh, well, that's good to know.

"Hope you enjoyed the show." I say walking out. I'm trying to sound confidant, but I'm blushing.

Note to self - don't have sex in elevators.

_A/N: Ok, I wrote this because, a lot of fanfics involving Dani are all negative. Now, no offense, I don't want you to stop reading because of this next comment, but I have to say it... GET OVER IT!!! Dani isn't really that bad, I mean, I didn't like her at first because she was too whiny, but then she grew on me. And I liked her with Elliot, as a couple more than partners. I think she was good for him. But that's just my opinion. R&R please!_


	15. Pair Me! FinMunch

Pair Me! Fin/Munch

Summary: John is convinced that Fin is gay, even though he won't admit it. Warning: NO SEX

Disclaimer: Bad news, the flying munchkins in my mind abandoned me to work for Dick Wolf, so now I don't even own them! I own nothing!

Fin's POV:

I smell. I had to go dumpster diving again today. Damn John just stood there complaining. Old bastard. I need a shower. But first I gotta head back to work for a bit. Maybe even torture everybody with my stench. Call it payback for leaving me out there to rot, no pun intended.

"Jeez Fin," Elliot says as soon as I walk in. "Ever heard of a shower?" He plugs his nose. Ass.

"Hey next time, you can jump in the trash." He thinks about it.

"No thanks." yeah that's what I thought. I walk ot my desk and pull out my paper work. There's a piece of old lettuce sticking to my leather jacket. Oh, that's nasty. I peel it off and throw it away. The next thing I know, Olivia's screaming. I jerk my head towards her and see her peel my old lettuce off her cheek.

"Sorry." I sit down and start typing up my files. Olivia glares at me.

* * *

Three hours later, I drove everyone out of the squad room with my horrible smell. Which, come on, is really cool. 

I'm still working on my files when someone walks in. And its none other than that prick, John who threw me in a dumpster. "Jeez Fin, you reek." I roll my eyes.

"Gee, thanks for noticing." He sits down next to me.

"You need a shower."

"Ya think?"

"Quite often actually." I'm about to slap him.

"Is there something you wanted?"

"Not really." I close my paperwork. I'm finally done. Thank god! Now, let's try gettin' rid of John before I kill him. "I just wanted to talk with my favorite partner." Oh boy. I know where this is going. I lean back in my chair.

"John, look. You're a cool guy, but I'm, not" how do I put this. "Gay." well, that's a bit of a lie. Truth be told, I kinda like John. I just don't wanna tell him that.

"You're lying." How'd he figure that out.

"No I'm not. John you're my partner. So, even if I was gay, which I'm not, it wouldn't work out very well, I see you too much."

"I know you used to go out with Huang." Oh shit. "He told me." Figures. That little midget seriously talked to much. That was actually the reason I dumped him in the first place. "So, what is it? You just don't like older guys?" I roll my eyes.

How do I explain this one off? "Ok, I like you. Happy?" He nods.

"Obviously." He leans in and kisses me. When he lets go I move forward and kiss him. I think I know where this is going to go.

* * *

That was a little different than I had expected. It was kinda, um. Well, lousy. I mean it completely sucked. And the liver spots. Oh the liver spots. I'm scarred for life now. 

"So," John starts. "That was, um... Yeah."

I nod. "Yeah." Well, there's a nice little pause as we get over the terryfying things we just did. "We don't have to tell anyone about this right?"

"Oh definitely."

"Good." Yeah. "Good." Now let's just get the memory out of my head.


	16. Pair Me! OliviaMaureen

**Pair Me! Olivia/ Maureen**

Summary:

Disclaimer: Still not mine, still waiting to make in mine.

Maureen's POV:

My eyes don't want to stay open. But I have to finish this damn paper. If I don't, I'll completely fail this stupid class. Why the hell did I take this class? It was a fucking elective! And I'm doing more work with this class than I've ever done for my major! I need a night out.

There's a frat party on campus tonight. I can go check that out. Fun fun fun! You can ignore that outburst. Really, it's allowed by law.

* * *

Three hours later I am totally drunk. But man do I feel grrrrrreat! Frosted flakes are mooore thaaan good! Yeah, like I said, I'm drunk! That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!

There's someone at the door. I know because the doorbell rings. I mean, come on, who rings the doorbell at a frat party? Since I'm generous, I open the door.

Oh shit.

"Olivia?" I almost have a heart attack seeing my father's partner in the doorway. "What the hell are you doing here?" She pulls me out the door. What are the chances that the woman who works with my dad shows up at a frat party I just so happen to be attending, and I end up opening the door. I smell foul play! Haha, smell. Foul. Giggle.

"You're father tried calling you but your roommate said you'd be here."

"And he sent you?" Now I feel sad. My daddy couldn't come get me himself?

"He had other things he has to deal with tonight." She leans in and smells my breath. I smell her perfume. She needs a new perfume. "Are you drunk." I avert my eyes.

"Maybay!" Hehehe. That's funny. Olivia rolls her eyes. Oh get over it! I am an adult now! I'm allowed to get drunk.

"Alright, that's it. I'm taking you home." She grabs my arm and pulls me away. I try to struggle. Damn, she's got a grip on her!

"Let go! I was having fun." And I was making flirty eyes with this totally hot chick across the room. Then again, an even hotter chick is pulling at my arm. I stop resisting.

She takes me back to my dorm. Well, that's better than taking me back to my dad's. I fall on my bed head down. I almost swallow my throw pillow. Ew, it's all fuzzy. I sit up a little straighter, but then just fall over again. "Hey, Liv?" I say a muffled like. I'm talking in my pillow again. "Do you think you could help me out?" I hold out my hand. Olivia heaves me up and sits me next to her. I "accidentally" fall over on her lap. Yeah, that was an accident, I swear! Really! Stop looking at me like that!

"Thanks." I cuddle my head into the nook of her neck. Is that the right word? Nook? It is fun to say though. Hee, nook. Nook, nook, nook. Nook! "For everything." Now I'm breathing right on her neck. I feel all sexy and slutty!

Olivia pushes me off her. Hey! That's not nice! "Maureen, stop that." she says quietly. I think I turned her on, she just doesn't want to admit it!

"But I don't wanna!" I pout. She rolls her eyes.

"Maureen, get up. You're drunk." I stand up, and again, "accidentally" fall on top of her. This time, my hand "accidentally" grazes her boob. I really have to watch myself.

"I'm not drunk, I just have a speech impediment." Hehehe. I got that from Family Guy. Good show.

I look up in her eyes for a brief moment. I lean in and kiss her. But the damn bitch pushes me off again! Stop doing that! "Maureen, I'm leaving now."

"No! No! No! No!" I whine. I push her back on my bed. Let's see, she freaked when I breathed on her neck. Let's try this. I slowly kiss it.

"Maureen," nibble nibble nibble. "Stop." Lick. "Now." Suck. She's gone.

"Were you saying something?" I ask just before I try licking again. Followed quickly by another suckfest. Giggle, suckfest.

"Sorry, were we having a conversation?" She looks me in the eye for a split second. Oh shit! Dude, I just got jumped my a totally hot woman who works with my dad! Sweet!

She's a good kisser. And her tongue is oh so warm, and tasty! It's darting in and out of my mouth like a... like a...like a really fast tongue! Yeah, that one! Ok, enough kiss, I want to boink boink! Ha! Boink boink. That's even funnier than nook.

"Wanna blow me?" I say seductively. That really didn't work. I'm laughing. Oh and there was a snort. Ok, calm down. "No seriously, wanna?" She stops. Oh you're taking too long! I jump on her and rip off my own shirt. I think she's stopped questioning this. "Shall we?" And on with the fun!

I personally thought that I was the feisty one in this affair, but damn that woman is crrrazay! Five seconds into me sucking on her...you know. She flips me over and gets all dominant butch on me! Not that it's a bad thing. I mean she's really good at this! Like dude, really good.

She flips me over. Woah! Now there's a new sensation. It's a good one, but still a bit weird. I hope she doesn't expect me to do that to her! I'm too drunk.

And we switch places again. Well, I guess she's getting really horny right about now. Alright, I guess I can help that. But no funny business.

You know, I say no funny business, but that really doesn't last very long. I end up, um. Yeah I'm not going to tell you. You don't wanna hear those details. This is after all a PG-13 rated story. It's not X rated pornography. You want porn, you might wanna check out a different website. Hey, why don't you try I hear they have A LOT of good pornography there! So yeah, censor!

* * *

Three hours of amazing, blood pumping, hot lesbian sex I fall down next to my father's partner. Dude, that's like really creepy. I just had amazing, blood pumping, hot lesbian sex with my father's partner. I really hope he doesn't find out about this amazing, blood pumping, hot lesbian sex. Have I said amazing, blood pumping, hot lesbian sex too many times? Sorry, but this was really good, amazing, blood pumping, hot lesbian sex.

"So, when do you wanna do this again?" yeah, I'm still a little drunk. Like, holy fucking shit, how much beer did I drink?

"I'm free tomorrow."

"Nifty!"

_I hope you enjoyed my latest story. Sorry it took so long, but if you haven't realized by now, I'll just tell you. I'm slow when it comes to updating. And I probably won't get better. But if it's a good chapter, than isn't it worth it? Well, it is to me._

_Bob._

_P.S. The next chapter will be Casey/ Brian_


	17. Pair Me! CaseyBrian

**Pair Me! Casey/Brian**

Summary: Sequel to Pair Me! Elliot/Casey.

Disclaimer: I do not own a damn thing.

Casey's POV:

I'm a little nervous. I'm not a virgin anymore, very true. Elliot took care of that, but I'm still nervous. I mean, come on, Brian Cassidy is way hotter. And he's all sweet and stuff. He's like the perfect man in all history.

And the fucker's late!

I'm pacing my blue-walled apartment in the sluttiest possible lingerie I could find. Candles are lit up around the floor like an ocean of fire. Well, you know, except it's prettier. Oh, my lingerie, is like this pink satin baby doll top and glittery thong. I feel like an idiot. A very idiot, but an idiot nonetheless.

And the fucker's late!

I'm so totally nervous. What if I'm not good. Why didn't I ask Elliot if I was good? I probably should have asked him. No! No, I should just go on and get it over with. I'm sure I'll be fine with Brian. And if not, he won't care, he really likes me, and I really like him.

And the fucker's late!

"Where the fuck is that fucker?" I exclaim angrily. Was I good in bed? Or in the case with Elliot, under a soccer net? Eek.

I pick up the phone and quickly dial Elliot's cell. Three rings later I hear his voice on the other end. He sounds tired. I think I woke him up. What time is it? Oh, its only 11 p.m. He sleeps too much.

"Stabler."

"Hey Elliot, I have to ask you something."

"Casey?" No, its Pamela Anderson. I called to tell you that you're totally sexy and I want to fuck you.

"Duh. Look I have to ask you something. Something really important!"

"What?"

"Am I a good lay?" There's a long pause.

"Do you really want to talk about this over the phone?" I roll my eyes.

"Stabler, grow a pair of balls and answer my damn question!" Jeez. This guy is more of a pussy than I would have thought.

"Yeah, I mean, a little scary. But that's going to happen." So does that mean I'm good. "Yes, you're good." Now that's scary.

"Thanks." There's a knock on my door. "Oh, I gotta go." I hang up. Elliot tried to say something but I pulled the headpiece away before he could finish. No wander he hates me. Oh well, he'll get over it.

I jump up off my chair and open my door. Olivia Benson is standing in my doorway. Her hair is messed up like she's just had sex, and her face is in total shock. Damn. I do not have time for this. "Hey Liv. What's wrong are you ok? That's nice, fun talking to you!" I try to slam my door shut, but she holds it open. Son of a bitch. Oh well, at least Brian's late.

"I just did something, completely crazy." She says, still in total shock.

"Yeah, well if we could all be so lucky." I keep trying to push her out. But she won't budge. Bitchy McBitch.

"I just had sex with Maureen Stabler." so you fucked a girl, like anybody ever thought you were straight! I mean come on! Wait a second...

"Stabler?" She nods. "You fucked Elliot's daughter?" She nods again. "Which one?" She looks like she's going to slap me. Well it's better than the other look she had.

"The oldest one!" That is when she notices what I'm wearing. "Are you expecting company?" Oh, finally!

"Yes, actually. I have a date coming over. So, if you don't mind." I make a motion with my hands towards the door. Totally signaling her to leave. I really don't think she's getting the hint. "With who?" Not you! A guy! A cute guy! NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY APARTMENT!

"Brian Cassidy." She gives me this look, like surprised. What? Didn't think I could manage a guy like him?

"Well, have fun."

"What?"

"Nothing. It's just," she turns away. Hey hey hey! Not so fast!

"What did you mean?"

She turns back to me. "Cassidy and I had a fling a few years back." You know, I really didn't want to know that. I thought she was a lesbian. "When he was still working in SVU. You know, we just got drunk, and, I was interested, and he was interested." Too much information.

"Was he any good?" Why am I asking?

"Yeah. Really good. You know, for a guy." Did she think I forgot she's a lesbian? "Well I should go."

"What about to go boink Elliot's daughter again?"

"Boink?" I roll my eyes.

"Fuck."

"Actually, I just might. See ya." She turns and walks out of the apartment.

"Olivia?" I hear out in the hall way. Oh finally! The fucker's here! I run out in the hall to see an awkward meeting. I grab Cassidy's coat and pull him back inside. "Nice outfit."

"Shut up." I push him into my door and kiss him as hard as I can. "You were late mother fucker!" I kiss him again. And pull off his jacket. Keep in mind, we are still in the hall. Bad idea. I pull him in my apartment.

"Sorry." He looks around. "Nice apartment." Stop talking and fuck me fuckwad!

"Stop talking and fuck me fuckwad!" What can I say, I always speak my mind.

"Yes ma'am." He throws me on the couch. Ooh, kinky. He pulls my legs up and pushes my thong to the side. He could have just pulled it off, but no, he has to be difficult. He dives in. I'm sorry was I thinking something?

He's really good at this. He stops. I pout. "You stopped why?"

"This is sex, sex involves penetration." Oh, right. He unzips his pants.

"You know, you can take your pants off." He nods. He pulls his pants off. He's well endowed. Very well endowed. I was not expecting that. Like at all.

I feel him inside me. It's snug. I didn't really have this problem with Elliot, but he's not that big. This is amazing. But the couch is driving me crazy. It's meant to sit on, not to fuck on. "Hey, Cassidy," I say with a moan. "Can we move to someplace else?" He stops. "Without stopping."

"Oh, sure." He pulls me up off the couch and moves me on the floor. Well I guess that's a little better. But...

I roll him over so I'm on top.

* * *

Three hours later I light my first ever cigarette. My hair is sticking up all over the place and I'm covered in sweat and male and female ejaculate. I say ejaculate because it sounds better than cum. Oh damn it I said cum. I just said it again! Fuck!

"That was pretty good." I say quietly. Puff.

"Yeah," he lights his third cigarette. "Sure was." Puff.

"Wanna do it again?" He turns to me with a strange smile.

"Fuck yeah." Time for a nifty eyebrow wiggle.

_So, did anybody actually try looking up Cause, I gotta say, I don't even think it's real. Lol, yeah, I'm joshing ya. So, I hoped you like this latest chapter!_

_Next chapter is Monique/Warner._


	18. Pair Me! MoniqueWarner

**Pair Me! Monique/Warner**

Summary:

Disclaimer: Nope, nada, zip

Monique's POV:

I head down to the ME's office. I need to find out the facts about my dead guy. Dead guy's, never really fond of those. I put my cell phone away right before I walk into the corpse room. I like to call the ME's office hte corpse room. It has a better ring to it.

"Hey, Doc," a woman with her hair pulled into a ponytail wearing a white lab coat turns to me. I know her very well. Her name is Melinda Warner. She's like the ME of all New York or at least one of them.

Did I mention she's a babe?

"Can I help you?" she says the same way she does every time I show up. That gets so seriously annoying.

"My dead guy." Obviously. For a smart chick, she's really dumb.

"He's dead. What more do you want?" I step further. Babe or not, she is seriously getting on my nerves. She rolls her eyes. "He was poisoned. My guess would be rat poison. I found arsenic in his system. Happy?" I nod.

"Very." Well, now that I got all of that out of the way. I pull my jacket off. Warner turns away from me with a small smirk on her face. She pulls off her white lab coat to reveal a black panty set. That's when I notice her heels are way too high to be found in an ME's office. Of course, you don't normally see a doctor wearing nothing but a bra and panties either. "Expecting something doc?" She turns back to me, and pulls her hair out.

"Were _you _expecting something Detective?" Ok, so I'm wearing a corset top, I'm at least dressed. I shrug my shoulders.

"Well, there's uh- nobody around. You know except a couple of dead guys." I push her into one of the metal tables. My mouth is thrust on hers. I can taste her cherry lip gloss.

"Monique," I stop. Damn, I was really getting into that! I pull my hand out of her underwear. "I'm pushed up against a cadaver here." Gross. I push her out of the way, gently, and shove the dead guy onto the ground.

"Ever heard of Respecting the sanctity of hte dead?" I blink.

"No. Do people actually say that?" I lift her onto the table. She falls over the other side and lands on the dead guy. "Oh shit," that is totally disgusting yet hysterical at the same time.

Speaking of hysterical..."Ew! Oh my god, pick me up pick me up pick me up!" I think about it. Then I jump over the table and land on top of her. M dead guy's skin feels like rubber beneath my hand. "Jeez! I asked you to help me up, not trap me between you and a corpse!" I laugh, and kiss her again.

When I finally let go, her eyes don't open. "I'm sorry was I saying something?" she asks, in complete bliss. Then she pulls me back on top of her. Fantasy number one, fulfilled. Having sex on a dead guy.

That sounds absolutely disgusting doesn't it?

We roll off the dead guy just after five minutes. It is really hard to screw someone on a giant lump.

I rip her underwear off. Sadly, I've completely destroyed them. And she looked so hot in those things. Well, I might as well ruin the rest of the ensemble. I rip her bra in two. She mopes. "Sorry, I'm a little impatient."

"A little, my husband bought me those. I was supposed to wear those on our anniversary next week." I shrug. "Good point." She pulls me down again. Then she rips my top in shreds in front of my face.

"Was that really necessary?" She nods. "Ok." We're back. I elbow the dead guy in the rib cage. My elbow forms a little mark on his body. I'm guessing that was from the rigger.

* * *

Three hours later I roll on top of my cadaver. It kind of hurts. But my entire body is sore. Note to self: surgical tools should not be used as erotica toys. I rub the cut I got from the bone saw. That bitch still stings like hell.

"I think you broke my ribs." Warner moans in agony.

"Hey, you used a scalpel on my pants!" I hold up the remains of my clothes. "You are so lucky I wore a long coat here." She gives me an "mmhmm," sound.

"What the hell is going on?" I jerk m head behind me. Hey, I remember that guy. He's the guy who replaced me at SVU. He had that really weird name. What was it again?

"Fin," that's it! "What are you doing here? I don't have a body for you guys?" Oh yeah, did I mention that my dead guy was just a rubber doll I got at Party City? Yeah, this whole thing was just a fantasy we decided to turn into reality.

"I got some stuff for you." By this time, he's turned around. He holds up a folder over his shoulder. I pull my coat on and Warner does the same. Now I really wish I hadn't broken the heel of my shoe.

"I should be going." I nod to Warner. Then turn to Fin. "I was nice seeing you again." He nods. I don't see even a hint of a blush. I'm impressed. If I wasn't a total lesbian, I would so be turned on by that.

He turns back to Warner as I leave the room. "Aren't you married?"

I wait back to listen to her answer. I have a feeling it would be worth my time. "Yeah, well I'm auditioning people for a threesome we're interested in." I was right, that was worth my time.

_The next pairing will be Elliot/Alex_


	19. Pair Me! ElliotAlex

**Pair Me! Elliot/Alex**

Summary: Post "Wrong is Right." Elliot (a lying cheating bastard) wants nothing more than to do the do with the new young A.D.A. The only problem is that an interrogation is not a good place to get your freak on.

Author's Note: Please excuse all synonyms for sex in the summary as well as in the story.

Disclaimer: Nothing.

Elliot's POV:

I'm a married man. I have four children. I love my wife and I've been with her for a good fifteen years. I will always love her.

And at the same time I'm a lying cheating bastard.

Recently, a very attractive woman came to our squad as our permanent A.D.A. She's gorgeous, young, and a total bitch. That doesn't stop me from wanting to screw her. Yeah, I'm a lying cheating bastard.

She's waiting for me when I come back from locking up yet another sick disgusting pedophile. She's wearing a skirt a little short for an attorney. A small grin is etched on her pretty face. I feel a pull at my pants. Did I mention I'm also a horny dog?

"Good work detective." Why thank you Miss Cabot. Would you like to go back to my place and have sex? Or more likely your place since you aren't married.

"Yeah, good work yourself." I smirk. It comes off a little cocky, but I'm a very cocky individual. She smiles. "Anybody else here?" She shakes her head.

"John went home after you collared Prince." That would be Craig Prince, the disgusting pedophile, not the artist. "And Cragen and Olivia went home hours ago." I nodded.

"So, what are you doing tonight Alex?" She shrugs. She turns her back to me and I get a nice look at her ass. It's small. Like tiny. But I've never been a fan of a large rear. She bent over even lower. She's wearing pink panties.

"I don't know." she paused and bent even farther down. There's lace on her underwear. "Are you enjoying the view back there?" I stumble over. Oh shit. She stands back up and turns towards me. Her blouse is a little open. "So," she paused dramatically. This is not the woman I thought she was. This woman is a total sexpot. "What are you doing tonight?" She jumped up on the desk and leaned forward. Her bra matched her panties. "With me."

You know that pull in my pants? It just got tighter. And I'm wearing some pretty loose fitting pants. "Nice," she says, noticing my bulge. That's all I can take. I walk towards her, grab her around her tiny waist and kiss her hard. She pushes me away. Tease! "Let's get one thing straight. I'm not looking for a relationship. I just want sex." That's fine by me I'm married.

"Yeah, not caring." I kiss her again. I rip her jacket off her and pull up her skirt. Yeah, I'm really a lying cheating bastard.

She pulls away again. Now what? "Well can we at least go someplace a little private?" We're the only ones in the squad, but I understand her unease. After all, when you cheat as much as I do, you are paranoid about your little trysts. I lift her up, she wraps her legs around my waist and pushes into me. Groan.

I kiss her again, my eyes are closed yet I still manage to find my way through Cragen's office and through that to one of the interrogation rooms. I push her down on the table and spread her legs wide apart. I've used these rooms a couple of times for fun. She opens her blouse carefully. I can't blame her, I doubt she'd want to walk through New York with a ripped blouse.

I pull her panties to the side. She pulls my zipper down and pulls my manhood out of its confines. I push as far into her as possible. She screams out in ecstacy.

I've had many affairs in the last fifteen years. I mean, I am a lying cheating bastard. But I gotta say, this was the most fun.

Alex rocks on top of me. (We fell on the floor, with her on top after about five minutes.) I buck my hips against her as I finally reach a climax. She falls ontop of me, panting and sweating. I blow her hair out of my mouth. "What do you say to becoming friends with benefits?" she asks breathlessly. I smile.

"Would we be able to do this again?" She nods against my chest.

"Yeah, that was the point." I smile again. I wouldn't mind benefits. I would enjoy those benefits. If this fun filled night means anything.

After only another minute, Alex gets up and straightens her clothes up. I zip my pants, and I'm good. The joys of being a man.

"So, it's official. We should do this again tomorrow night. She says just as she opens the door and steps out. She stops dead right in the door way. "Oh shit." What?

"What?" I jump up and follow her lead out the door. Oh shit.

Olivia and John are there sharing a bowl of popcorn, sitting nicely in two rolling chairs outside the interrogation room we just came out of. A huge smile spread across their faces. "Sounds like you two had fun in there." Alex just smiles. I smile too, but more smug instead of embarrased. "But you know he's married." Damn. I was kind of hoping she wouldn't mention that. Alex shrugs.

"Well at least he doesn't have kids." I grab Olivia's chair and roll her into the interrogation room before she could say anything else to ruin my new benefited relationship with Alex.

"So you got a new friendship their you cheating bastard?"

"The correct term is lying cheating bastard." I stop moving her chair and kneel down in front of her. Her eyes are screaming for me to fuck her. "And you never seemed to mind before." she looks at me for one second before grabbing me and kissing me as hard as I had kissed Alex an hour before.

This has been one hell of a day. An incredibly great amazing day. Please let this happen again!

_Sorry it's taken so long to update. But I've finally updated! Be happy for that!_

_The next story will be Munch/Monique_


	20. Pair Me! MunchMonique

**Pair Me! Munch/Monique**

Summary: Munch and Monique learn the joys of chat use…

Disclaimer: Own Nothing

Author's Note: Cyber sex, completely.

**SunglassesAtNight**: John

**Dontstaremyass**: Monique

**SunglassesAtNigh**t: _Hey Jeffries. How's life out of SVU?_

**Dontstaremyass**: _fck__ off munch. __Wat__ do you want __neway_

**SunglassesAtNigh**t: Do _you even know how to use proper __grammer_

**Dontstaremyass**: _gives you the finger __hows__ that for proper __grammer_

**SunglassesAtNight**: _Well if you're offering. wink_

**Dontstaremyass**: _……._

**Dontstaremyass**: _did you just ask if I wanna cyber?_

**SunglassesAtNight**: _Depends, would you be willing to cyber?_

**Dontstaremyass**: _do you even __kno__ how to cyber????_

**SunglassesAtNight**_: One of my ex-wives was very fond of it. It was the only way she'd be willing to do it._

**Dontstaremyass**: _cant__ imagine y_.

**SunglassesAtNight**: _You know__ if we're going to do this, you could at least talk properly._

**Dontstaremyass**: _I never agreed to do this munch. I'm not that desperate to get laid._

**SunglassesAtNight**: Fine. Your loss.

**Dontstaremyass**: _actually, its __ur__ loss. I'm __ont__ complaining_.

**Dontstaremyass:** _not_

**SunglassesAtNight**:

**Dontstaremyass**: _oh don't give me that!!!!!!_

**SunglassesAtNight**:

**Dontstaremyass**: _its __rly__ been a long time hasn't it?_

**SunglassesAtNight**: _You have no idea._

**Dontstaremyass**: _fine! Just don't expect my typing 2 get __btter_

**Dontstaremyass**_:better._

**SunglassesAtNight**: _Wouldn't dream of it._

**SunglassesAtNight**:-D

**Dontstaremyass**: _ok, __watever__, just get started. lies down_

**SunglassesAtNight**: _Pulls off clothes, slowly and seductively_

**Dontstaremyass**: _don't even think about it munch. It __don't__ work 4 u._

**SunglassesAtNight**: _Shrugs Doesn't matter. Leaps onto of you._

**Dontstaremyass**: _grunts_

**SunglassesAtNight**: _I am NOT heavy._

**Dontstaremyass**_: you don't have to be for that to hurt now stop complaining or ill go and chat w/sum1 else. Maybe fin._

**Dontstaremyass**: _or __liv__ wink_

**SunglassesAtNight**: _Kinky. Pulls off your clothes_

**Dontstaremyass**: _grabs __ur__dck__ and gives u a handjob._

**SunglassesAtNight**: _So no kissing?_

**Dontstaremyass**: _MUNCH!_

**SunglassesAtNight**: _Fine! Fingers you_

**Dontstaremyass**_: oh don't be a pussy, get down there! pushes __ur__ head down_

**SunglassesAtNight**: _Kisses your most sensitive area_

**Dontstaremyass**: _slapping self for agreeing to this._

**SunglassesAtNight**: _Inserts two fingers, squeezing your thigh_

**Dontstaremyass**: _checks watch_

**SunglassesAtNight**: _Moves faster and rougher_

**Dontstaremyass:** _files nails_

**SunglassesAtNight**_: Let's go._

**Dontstaremyass**: _Done already????_

**SunglassesAtNight**: _Inserts self._

**Dontstaremyass**: _Imagines Denzel Washington pushing his __dck__ in my p---y_

**SunglassesAtNight**: _Handcuffs you to bed._

**Dontstaremyass**: _raises eyebrow kinky._

**SunglassesAtNight**: _Rubs your "button"_

**Dontstaremyass**: _u had me & then lost me_

**SunglassesAtNight**: _To quote the younger generation, bite me._

**Dontstaremyass**: _bites __ur__ nipple_

**SunglassesAtNight**: _Ow! What did you do that for?_

**Dontstaremyass**_: u told me to._

**SunglassesAtNight**: _hmmm……_

**SunglassesAtNight**: _Get on all fours._

**Dontstaremyass**: _………………._

**Dontstaremyass**_: does_

**SunglassesAtNight**: _Pushes __dck__ back in __ur__ p---y._

**Dontstaremyass:** _impressed by new word usage._

**SunglassesAtNight**: _Fucks you hard._

**Dontstaremyass**_: harder_

**SunglassesAtNight**: _obeys_

**Dontstaremyass**: _actually gets turned on_

**SunglassesAtNight**: _smiles smugly. __Grabs __ur__ boobs and squeezes_

**Dontstaremyass:** _moan moan this is getting moderately enjoyable_

**SunglassesAtNight**: _Well it better be more than moderately enjoyable, I'm about to come._

**Dontstaremyass**: _we've only been at it for a __few minutes…..AND THIS IS CYBER SEX!!!!!!!!_

**SunglassesAtNight**: _Yeah, and I'm masturbating._

**Dontstaremyass**

**Dontstaremyass**: _that was NOT an image I needed in my head._

**SunglassesAtNight**: _Can we get back to the task at hand please?_

**Dontstaremyass**: _yeah sure._

**SunglassesAtNight**: _bucks harder_

**Dontstaremyass:** _pounds into you._

**SunglasesAtNight**: _Jefferies! Jefferies!_

**SunglassesAtNight**: _…….._

**SunglassesAtNight**: _Finishes_

……..

**SunglassesAtNight**: _That was great._

……

**SunglassesAtNight**: _Thank you for that._

……

**SunglassesAtNight**: _Jefferies???_

……

**SunglassesAtNight**: _Are you there?_

**Dontstaremyass**: _yea I'm here. __Sry__, I was __cybering__ w/sum1 else too._

**SunglassesAtNight**: _Oh, who?__ deeply hurt_

**Dontstaremyass**: _liv__ wink wink_

**SunglassesAtNight:** _Um, how is that possible? __Liv__ isn't online_.

**Dontstaremyass**

**SunglassesAtNight**:-O

**SunglassesAtNight**: You were orgasming weren't you?

**Dontstaremyass**: _orgasming__ isn't a word john._

**SunglassesAtNight**: _Who gives a shit, you were __cumming__, weren't u?_

**Dontstaremyass**: _disgusted I liked you better w/ __ur__ proper __grammer__ bull shit._

_**Dontstaremyass has signed off.**_

**SunglassesAtNight**: _I am __soooo__ good._

"John!" I look up at Olivia as everybody heads out the door of the precinct.

"Are you coming?"

I smile, then turn off my computer. "In more ways than one."

**A/N: Ok, I would like to apologize for the long awaited absence. But in my own defense, I just started college, and I had a lot of work to do, not to mention, I got a new computer and forgot to transfer over the list of pairs I had made up, so as of now, I will be taking requests. Just review this chapter and tell me what pairing you would like.**

**Few rules:**

**1.) I already know when I'm writing the Elliot/Olivia story, so none of those for my next chapter.**

**2.) As this chapter involved Munch and Monique the next chapter can't include those two in the pair.**

**3.) One vote per person please.**

**4.) Remember, without the vote, I can't write the next chapter. That doesn't bother me, but the question is, does it bother you?**

**Thank you, one and all, and I'm really sorry it's taken me so long to do this chapter. Next chapter I swear I will try and get up faster, but again, school comes first, I'm working on it though!**

**Adios!**

**Bob**


End file.
